Review: Quaker Oats Gingerbread Spice Life Cereal

Quaker Oats Gingerbread Spice Life Cereal Box and Bowl

In daring his would be devourers to catch him, the Icarus of seasonal treats flew to close to the oven light on wings made from icing. Since the inception of breakfast cereal, he’s lived on stories of his athletic prowess. No mascot dared try, not cap’ns, leprechauns, nor even tigers. No, the Gingerbread man’s bluff was finally called by none other than the breakfast aisle figure head for honesty, integrity, purity and strength. Larry the Quaker man; the first cereal every to my knowledge to possess gingerbread flavor. Why Larry took it upon himself to capture and infuse his new limited edition Life Gingerbread Spice cereal with powdered bits of the cocky cookie, we may never know. What we do know is that humility will never make Larry’s list of virtues as he plasters the limited edition box with delightfully adorable trophies of his prey. I’m glad he is the boastful sort though as the box art is probably my of the year.

Unfortunately, beyond the first-of-its kind flavor and fantastic art, I have nothing nice to say.

To me, the cereal carries an astringent molasses flavor, and I swear it leaves a lingering aftertaste of cloves. Both important elements in gingerbread, but absent significantly more sweetness, a palate pleaser this is not.

I’m thrilled this product exists; I just hope someone takes the idea and does it better. You needn’t bother running from me Mr. Gingerbread because I for one won’t be giving chase.


Chompee: Quaker Oats Gingerbread Spice Life Cereal

Chompiness: 4 power walking gingerbread men out of 10

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Review: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Box Art
I don’t know if these will be any good, Lucky’s looking a little flaky…

I may not love snow in reality, but the fantastical flakes Lucky uses to season his bowl of magically delicious goodies are a welcome sugary snow storm. Limited Edition Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms are described as frosted cinnamon oat cereal with marshmallows. The marketing of this limited edition cereal is top notch as the winter wonderland depicted creates an inviting box. Kids gleefully play on snow covered hills beneath a rainbow bedecked sky while Lucky conducts a labor of love in producing snowman. All is not well in Luckyvale though as the man behind the curtain is revealed when taking a more than superficial look at this “wonderland”. We’ll revisit that in a moment, but how does the main dish fare?

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Box Art
So are snowflakes embryonic snow people?

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms is not wildly different from the tried and true original. The cinnamon is barely detectable despite top billing, but the vanilla is more potent and adds a warm tone to every bite that works to create an almost creamy quality with the top o’ the class marbits. Original Lucky Charms are definitely a classic, but the flavor is fairly straightforward with oats and marshmallow fueled sugar. The addition of the vanilla and, unfortunately only mild, cinnamon create a more complex and enjoyable overall flavor for my pot o’ gold. A little bit of a heavier hand with the cinnamon spice would have been nice, but at the end of the day if you put OG Lucky Charms and the new Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms in front of me, I’ll take the new holiday flavor 9 times out of 10. While perhaps not a revelatory experience, this holiday edition flavor is a welcome treat for the eyes and the mouth.

Now onto the clown in the sewer that is the nightmare fuel of this seemingly innocent box art. It appears safe enough at a glance. Lucky and some lucky kids are enjoying a day frolicking in the snow with a little leprechaun magic to bring their snow forged golems to life to play alongside them. What’s could be more wholesome?

Let’s take a look at the activities.

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Kids
Hell’s ski-lodge…

First up, match the scarves. Sure, color coordinating with your frozen flaked friend sounds like family friendly fun.

Alright, next Lucky tells us a “hilarious” joke?

“If snowmen can’t take baths how do they keep clean? Snow showers!”…

Better leave the jokes to the bloggers who professionally suck at them Lucky.

So far so good, what’s the last activity? Oh! Lucky wants you to help him find the pieces he needs to bring his final snowman to life.

Roger that. Let’s see, there are the 3 buttons… and there’s the four-leaf clover needed to work some holiday magic.

Just need to find the two ey… holy mother of monsters what is that little girl doing with those eyes?!

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Juggling Eyeballs
This is one Girl Scout who you do not want to stiff.

These aren’t the cute coal constructs of your standard snowman, “Lilith” as we’ll call her is juggling snowballs mixed with human eyeballs! Please return your seatbacks to their full upright and locked position.

Lucky the leprechaun has apparently been taking cues from his Warwick Davis counterpart while also enlisting the aid of the Children of The Corn. Examine the scene closer and the children are tormenting their supposed friends, playing keep away with their body parts or outright trying to murder them with a sled. All the while our Irish Jigsaw uses the viscera of his victims to work his dark magic and create snow fiends having apparently read Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons one to many times. There’s even a sick snowy rendition of the headless horseman!

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Snowman Headless Horseman
That snowman seems to be getting a head of the game.

What began as a scene of wonder and merriment has become a macabre Frankensteinien nightmare by using human body parts to provide the catalyst for some unholy leprechaun blood magic.

To what end?

A look at the bottom of the box reveals the horrific truth. Lucky is animating these snowmen from corpses and turning them into marbits. That’s right, Lucky Charms is people! Lucky the leprechaun has turned to blood magic and become the Walter White of the cereal aisle just to push a few more boxes of his “Rainbow Sky” Marshmeth.

Magically Delicious indeed.

 

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Snowman Sled
I’m going to guess that kid is not lining up for a Frosty the Snowman autograph.

 

 


 

Chompee: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Chompiness: 8.5 macabre Marshmeth Marbits out of 10

 

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Review: Quaker Oats Chewy Snow Day Granola Bars

Quaker Oats Chewy Snow Day Granola Bars

Foil finish art is nerd crack, so Quaker Oats new Chewy Snowday Gingerbread Spice Granola bars were in my cart faster than the Flash heading for a bathroom after Chipotle. While enamored by the snowy slopes, I admit I have no idea what gingerbread men, snow days, skiing, and chewy junkfood preying on the granola health halo have to do with one another. Still, the glossy wrapper around each bar is a miniature version of the wonderland depicted on the box.

 

What about the trivial matter of taste? Unfortunately, the flavor isn’t quite as magical as the marketing campaign. The bars aren’t anywhere near as gooey as they appear on the box, but they do seem a bit more moist than the standard fare. Initially, they bring the standard granolaly (yes, I just made that a word) oat flavor with a bit of ginger. The ginger tantrically teases your taste buds though as it is unlocked by working your way through the corn syrupy chewiness. What began as merely a tease of ginger flavor ultimately leaves a lingering after taste. Fans of ginger will be thrilled, but it is powerful enough to be off putting for the less gingerecally (yeah, that’s right another!) inclined. We are talking Santa hatted Godzilla level breath after morbidly masticating an entire gingerbread ski lodge. The icing swirled on top seems to mellow the intense ginger spiciness somewhat, providing a bit of moistness and generic sweetness. That’s all these bring to the table though, none of the other familiar tastes seemed to have had school canceled as I could detect nary a trace of cloves, nutmeg or cinnamon.

 

I’m left a little out in the cold with the bars themselves, but as long as it’s outside the ski lodge accompanying glittery snow capped peaks on the wrapper, I’ll happily be devoured alongside my ginger breadthren by a demogorgon with a sweet tooth.


Chompee: Quaker Oats Chewy Snow Day Granola Bars

Chompiness: 7 demogorgon cavities out of 10

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Quick Review: Baskin Robbins Tiramisu Ice Cream

Baskin Robbins Tiramisu Ice Cream

Baskin Robbins Tiramisu

Do you wash your morning cup of Joe down with an espresso chaser? Then you’ll want to check out November’s flavor of the Month as the coffee flavor exercises as much subtlety as Trump’s Twitter account. How do the rest of the Tiramisu elements work, and what the hell do either have to do with Bikini Bottom and plumbers that wield possessed hats? Not much really aside from a couple of lame jokes, but read my review over at The Impulsive Buy if you’re short on your eye roll quota for the day.

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