‘Oh Yeah!’ Trump’s Border Wall Threatened by Tangy Terrorist

Politics

April 21st 249 .beats

Washington D.C—White House

The Trump administration is labeling a little known nor understood creature as the most serious risk to national security today. The problem, sources say, is his dedication to defeating the pinnacle of United States defense technology—what some call Trump’s ‘Great Wall.’

Dubbed Operation Yello, the president is vowing to eliminate the danger to what he says is a much needed barrier against pernicious border security threats. The envisioned wall is billed as a roughly 2,000 mile state of the art safeguard that will ostensibly prevent terrorist operations on US soil. As the sole threat capable of penetrating the ultimate of defensive structures, it is no surprise that the mysterious figure known as ‘K-Man’ has been labeled public enemy number one.

Trump’s latest tweet storm sheds light on to his priorities:

“I’m going to keep America safe from the real threats!”

“Climate change? Wear a coat! Hackers? Read a book!”

“Fake news from loser and haters. The real threat is the lazy, poor brown people who want to steal our jobs, and our women!”

“We’ll use the biggest guns—huge guns, the best guns— to hunt down this terrorist, and then I’ll build the most humongous wall—the best wall that’s ever been built. No one else has ever built a wall like this, how could it possibly fail?”


Next Week:
Is the Prez eating Pez or is his “Great Wall”  the only thing he’s erecting? Trump spied popping blue “candy” at easter egg hunt.

(more…)

THQ Nordic’s Phillipp Brock Wins Nobel Peace Prize for 8chan AMA

Politics

March 5th 2019 9:36pm

Nobel Peace Prize Award
Image courtesy of Gusme

STOCKHOLM—THQ Nordic PR and Marketing Director Phillipp Brock was awarded the Nobel prize today for his actions to expose and abolish hate crimes and the sexual exploitation of minors.

Brock lulled users into a false sense of confidence by playing along with an AMA he held on the controversial imageboard 8chan. “Maintaining the guise of a morally bankrupt, despicable corporate shill under a barrage of distasteful comments took great moral fiber” said the Nobel Prize voting committee.

In one exchange, a commenter shared “Please don’t censor any games nor appeal to the SocJus crowd, you guys are doing fine as is.” “Thanks! We’ll try to stay that way” Brock responded.

When queried about the state of his company’s popular ‘Destroy all Humans’ franchise, which sees players assuming the role of an extraterrestrial sent to conquer Earth, Brock quipped  “We work it like an alien prostitute.”

After giving time for a controversy to brew in order to draw attention to his cause, Brock then took decisive action by declaring:

“I do not condone child pornography, white supremacy, or racism in any shape or form.”

“Brock displayed an Oscar worthy performance” said one committee member. “Dr. King himself would have heralded this man as a revolutionary visionary” said another. “Brock’s willingness to play along with the comments he despised all to facilitate his bold condemnation is heroic. We would all do well to emulate this paragon of equality and justice.”

(more…)

Introducing Verizon’s New Defense Division: ‘Supporting Our Troops, Like We Do Our First Responders.’

Business

2/7/19 8:27am

NEW YORK—Verizon’s CEO announced the acquisition of the only firearm and ammunition manufacturer in the United States today, Remington Arms. “At Verizon, we want to ensure we deliver the same fantastic service to the men and women defending our shores as we do our first responders like the Santa Clara County Fire Department. During the California wildfires, we saved lives by rapidly removing the data throttling we imposed as soon as they paid us double their original unlimited plans’ cost.”

“Our new defense division subscription model will offer a basic plan that provides unlimited ammunition to each and every soldier. In the unlikely event that a noble warrior goes over the unlimited cap of 100 rounds, we will continue supporting the warfighter with unlimited blanks. Should he or she require more live ammunition than is normally allowed per month, the hero’s of our nation can swipe their personal credit cards at any time and upgrade to the premium ‘Pay to Pop’ plan which provides additional live ammunition for a small $1 per round fee.”

“This new paradigm will enable the warfighter to heroically save as many lives as they can afford— just like Verizon.”

(more…)

Scrooge McDuck Starts Go Fund Me Campaign for Struggling NFL After Earning Only $15 Billion Dollars.

Business

2/3/2019 9:36AM

Scrooge McDuck Starts Go Fund Me Campaign for Struggling NFL


DUCKBURG—Billionaire and renowned philanthropist Scrooge McDuck wants to ensure that the NFL, which he says brings joy to millions of people every week, can continue to exist. “I’m always looking for ways to give back to the community, and there is no more beloved or deserving an institution than the National Football League.” To that end, he’s set up a Go Fund Me page for the NFL where he has outlined why he’s concerned about the organization’s financial health and longevity.

“Did you know that the NFL has to pay for half or more of the billion dollar stadiums that it builds? Furthermore, while over 100 million viewers are expected to enjoy the Superbowl this weekend, no tax credits will be provided. Justifiably, the NFL won’t pay a single cent in taxes or many of the costs associated with hosting the event, but don’t they deserve more than that from fans? It was only a few years ago that vocal but misguided souls forced them to give up their tax exempt status.”

Beyond just the enjoyment the NFL brings to people lives, Scrooge also highlights what he sees as the League’s contributions to society. “These job creators are pillars of our communities that put their employee’s health and safety first and foremost while also championing social progress and equality. Afterall, the NFL is a haven for wayward souls. It provides the safe, low key environment said players need to reform and become model citizens. Otherwise, how would domestic abusers or sexual predators for example have the opportunity to eke out humble lives as millionaires while also shaping impressionable young minds for generations to come?”

“It is incredibly important for fans whose lives the NFL has touched to write their representative and demand more tax breaks and government funding for this cherished for-profit, private and completely unaccountable monopoly of billionaires. But with it only earning $15 billion in revenue last year, everyone also needs to reach deep into their wallets and share whatever they can to ensure the NFL can survive these lean times.”

(more…)

Eyebook Paying Underage Hobbits to Install Spying App Calls Dark Lord Sauron’s Motives into Question.

Business

1/30/19 7:29pm

MORDOR—With recent shocking revelations that Eyebook is spying on it’s users, Middle-earther’s are beginning to question whether the Dark Lord Sauron has their best interests at heart. The latest scandal of the beleaguered platform asserts that Eyebook is giving away Lembas of the Month subscriptions to underage hobbits who agree to install an ‘Eyebook research VPN’ on their palantir.

This app allows the Eye of Sauron to focus on all users at once—capturing every action at all times. “Your data couldn’t be in safer hands” top executive Saruman the White says. “This isn’t the overreaching, omnipresent, total invasion of user privacy elven alarmists would have you believe. Tracking every movement, action, and even thought of users allows Eyebook to enhance their experience by serving more relevant ads” says Saruman. “This is a win/win situation.”

When asked about accusations of orcish advertising intended to influence the recent Gondorian succession, Saruman denied knowledge of any such activities.

(more…)