Former Home Improvement Television Show Star Refuses to do Housework. Demands Wife Pay to Build Fence in Backyard After Insomnia Fueled ‘The Apprentice’ Binge.

Entertainment

1/27/19 2:59pm

MICHIGAN—The former host of a Michigan based home improvement show is taking offense at the lack of a fence in his backyard. After a recent move has reportedly left him fenceless, he has been a changed man says an anonymous source. “He used the fence as a sort confessional booth with his neighbor obscured from view behind it acting as his on-demand priest.”

Friends and family say this has apparently lead to worsening mental health for the man who is now suffering from insomnia. “He just lays on the couch watching reruns of ‘The Apprentice’ at night. He walks around in a daze muttering about ‘making them pay for it’ as he stares out of his dining room into the backyard.” At times, he appears catatonic, according to some, capable of nothing beyond uttering unintelligible guttural noises. Others say that is normal behavior for him.

The man’s wife has stated he has refused to do the dishes or any other housework until she gives him the money to build what he calls his ‘great wall.’ “I’m not stopping him” she’s told friends. “He has access to the credit cards and can build it himself.” Reportedly, she views this as a “blessing in disguise” as she says everything he touches either explodes or catches on fire and then explodes.

Still, friends say his wife is very concerned. “He’s suffering from dissociative identity disorder” says one source. “He’s calling himself, William ‘The Wall Man’ Wallace. He walks up to people and asks them if they know what time it is before shouting ‘Wall Time’ and walking away. Every conversation with him is about how he’s ‘going to build a great, great wall’ and that ‘no one builds a wall with more power than him’.” The family has requested privacy while they help the man deal with this almost total shutdown.

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Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch – REVIEW

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch
Clearly I’ve been nice this year.

 

I missed Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch during it’s first magical run in 2014 and 2015. People’s reverence for it bordered on mason jar full of toenail clipping levels of creepiness. Now I have the chance to rectify this crime against my taste buds as It’s back for this holiday season! The box art appears to be the same, and it’s merilly magnificent. I’m a sucker for holiday packaging, and the adorable Crazy Squares decked out in santa hats and rocking stockings for pants are right up my alley. It almost makes me feel bad that I’m about to embark on a milky quest to purge this world of Crazy Square kind. Almost.

You see, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is amazing. Dry, it is every bit as good as it’s supporters purport. It puts all of the other bakery based treats like the good Capn’s or Kellogg’s takes that I’ve tried to shame. With General Mills jacking into my small and easily pliable mind (explaining why I’ve indulged my wife’s borderline crazy cat lady status) the only thing I can think of is a sugar cookie light on the sugar.

A less sugary, sugar cookie might sound like a faux pas, but it works very well in Toast Crunch form. Whereas the OG bah humbug Cinnamon Toast Crunch is drenched in hyper sweet deliciousness, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is a bit more restrained. It’s what I envision Santa’s milk mate of choice would taste like if last minute Nice List bribes were placed out the morning after I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Milk certainly changes the flavor, but I found I preferred it dry as leche leeches some of the magic and sweetness—at least in my nut based milk experiments. Meanwhile, it makes a fantastic greek yogurt mix-in, and a peanut buttered toast companion imparts a bit of a peanut butter cookie vibe. I guess 1+1 does equal 2. There’s that college degree paying off again

Take it from a man who crumbled Oreo’s into a bowl and doused them in milk before Oreo O’s rebirth, this is a more socially acceptable way to eat cookies for breakfast. In fact, I will share the uncomfortably warm take that Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is superior to Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Will you agree? Maybe, but it’s worth trying even if you give me the same incredulous look my wife did from beneath her purring blanket. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to look into vacuum sealing cereal in case it’s another few years before I see my beloved toast shaped cookies again.


 

The Chomp: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch

Chompiness: 9 bowls of Santa who looks kinda like the neighbor bribes out of 10

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