Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch REVIEW


Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Front of Box
Which way to the insulin?

The Chomp:

Cap’n Crunch is running his new counter keto diet, Cap’ns’ Carbo Crunches, and saving a buck by modeling the promised cereal six pack himself on the cover of Limited Edition Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch. Keto might sound appealing to some, but 11 times out of 10, I’ll take the diet where I’m encouraged to eat food that’s 1/3rd sugar by weight.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Back of Box
I’m not sure that LaFoote should allowed within a thousand yards of a public beach…

Chomp / Marry / Kill?

Chomp. Beyond the good Cap’ns’ (where the hell do you put the possessive apostrophe?!) rock hard bod, there isn’t much to see here. It’s the same delicious, artificially colored booty one expects to find aboard the Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries S.S Guppy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The box art is fantastic as per the norm from Quaker’s cartoony cereal cupboard.  I always thought of the old sea dog as an elder statesmen, but the Cap’ns’ (damn you apostrophe!), fantastic flexing of his battleships has me hanging a “if this bowl’s a rock’in don’t come a knock’in” sign up. Other than making me salivate over my cereal, the special crunch berries aesthetics are the draw on this site seeing sailing spree. Unfortunately, this is where the ship begins to springs a few leaks. Supposedly, shapes of various beach/ocean themed symbols promise to turn your milk ocean blue. While they quickly alter the color with a swirl or two, it’s more of a sky blue to my eyes.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Milk
Looks like the Cap’n is Juicing.

I found Halloween Crunch’s ghostly green gimmick more evocative of the theme as you can tell by my spooky Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch Milkshake. More disappointing, the special shapes are not exactly as distinct as advertised. Less dolphins and star fish and more red blobs amorphous enough that one will probably be listed on eBay for $100 bucks because it looks like Jesus doing pilates.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Shapes
Jesus doing downward dog


There’s nothing to complain about flavor wise as it’s the classic Crunch Berries I assume you know and love if you are reading this. If all you need is an excuse to pick up a box o’ Crunch, then this latest fad diet Beach Bash rendition is as good a reason as any. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when the ladies find you to be a bit more flab than fab. If however you are into the fun theme, you will probably be left a little adrift. There is no excuse for a cereal unique due to marketing to then have shapes that are either boring or more like an impressionist painting than anything I’ve ever seen on a beach. Come to think of it, some of them do kind of like like ears…

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Bowl
Look mom, I got a Cthulu!

The Chomp: Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch

Chompiness: 6.5 burly biceps out of 10

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