Blue Unicorn Monster Shake
Unicorns aren’t monsters. No, that isn’t just me trying to placate my wife and stay out of the Cerberus house. Fortunately, it doesn’t take too much digging to uncover the origins of the monster moniker. Beef-a-roo’s summertime Blue Unicorn Monster Shake is described as “blue raspberry shake, confetti Krispie square, vanilla cupcake, sugar wafers, chopped tutti-frutti jolly ranchers, and magical pink whipped cream!” As the description and prettily painted pointy pony picture prove (take that Darkwing Duck!), it’s the implication that the shake itself is a unicorn, and you are the monster for eating it. I see King Haggard is now in the shake making business. Surprisingly there is no caffeine, so he must have left the… Red Bull at home.
The attempt to replicate an actual unicorn is on full display. This is the second ice cream treat I’ve eaten that seems to focus more on marketing than taste in as many weeks, but at least this one doesn’t taste like cough medicine. I’m at a loss as to why the body of this particular unicorn is blue—and a liquid for that matter. Maybe unicorns are in the same phylum as whatever sugar encrusted hell hole Cookie Monster’s ancestors crawled out from. Regardless, the bits and bobs are almost entirely a show pony—albeit a horned one. None of the individual elements making up the limbs do anything to enhance the flavor of the shake body. Coating them in blue blood is simply a waste of time and in some cases causes unpleasant sogginess.
The sugar wafer “ears” are mild and generic in taste and quickly become soggy, so hopefully unicorns also possess magical echolocation as I recommend devouring them first. For some reason, the horn consists of a square rice krispie treat and a mini-cupcake. I’ve never seen anything resembling that in the literature, but a unicornologist I am not. The cupcake is the best of the bunch, but it is fairly unremarkable beyond a buttery yellow cake and inoffensive frosting flavor. In a close second place finish, the rice krispie treat is fresh and appropriately chewy. The sprinkles don’t add any flavor, but the textural contrast is pleasant.
All of this sits atop the shake and a mane tasting of grocery store frosting complete with gritty chemical aftertaste. The jolly rancher bits serve as the equivalent of unicorn glitter after our blue bodied beauty treated herself to a day at the salon. Apparently, she wanted to look her best before being eaten. The “always wear clean underwear” mentality I guess. Regardless, they are neither tutti, nor frutti to my taste buds—an occasional watermelon flavor is the most that I can detect. Of course, that may be due to the unrelenting assault of the fifty other kinds of sugar murdering any hope of tasting anything beyond corn syrup and cane sugar ever again. The shake itself lacks complexity, and it isn’t as potent as one expects to find in something called a “monster” shake. I assume the idea is that the treats are dipped into the shake to compensate for this, but they are not complementary flavors. The blue raspberry is present, but again, probably hidden by the other elements competing for your taste buds attention.
If unicorn’s are made of magic, this shake fails to capture any of it. At 6.99, I simply can’t recommend it at the price… point.
The Chomp: Beef-A-Roo Blue Unicorn Monster Shake ($6.99 for the smallest size)
Chompiness: 5 alliterating alicorns out of 10