Review: Quisp Cereal and Where to Buy

Quisp Cereal

 

Quisp Cereal Box Front
Where’s the mule that kicked him in the face?

 

For those not in the know, Quisp is the Rocky Horror Picture Show of the breakfast aisle. One of my personal favorite shows, the fantastic Cereal Time TV, provides a succinct but entertaining history in this Quisp (1965) video. It’s not just Gabe, the hero of cerOeal ) singing the praises of a real life cerealized take on evil Orville Redenbacher’s space corn though. I know that was awful, bbbuuuttt I’mmmmm leavingggggg it! Quisp is consistently topping cereal rankings such as mrbreakfast.com’s 100 All-Time Greatest Breakfast Cereals.

Once discontinued, Quisp has been resurrected as an internet cereal with an extremely limited and sporadic physical release in stores. Fortunately, this mythic ambrosia isn’t that hard to get your hands on anymore even if the price tag makes it feel like it’s imported from the Quisp homeworld.

I had to know what all the fuss was about, so I snapped my fingers and John De Lancie’d myself a box from Walmart.com. Was it the greatest thing since Drew Scanlon set the memeosphere ablaze?

Drew Scanlon Blinking
Yes and No

 

Quisp is a great cereal. In fact, Quisp’s taste would make it one of my favorite cereals. The problem is, it’s a cereal I’ve eaten and loved before… 

 

Not coincidentally, also from Quaker. Wait… was the Cap’n abducted by aliens?!

 

As you’re reading a review for a cult breakfast cereal from a guy that is so painfully unfunny it’s actually kinda funny (not really), I’ll spare you rambling detail because:

1. You’re familiar if not also a fan of Cap’n Crunch and                                                     

C. I feel sorry for you that you’re here doing this instead of doing something more productive like sweeping sunshine… on the interior of a Dyson Sphere.

Quisp Cereal Bowl
No milk, so my cereal stayed… quispy

Basically, buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn treasure chests are swapped for buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn saucers. They seem to be a bit less rough on the roof, but frankly, that’s never been a problem for me to begin with. Maybe I’m just channeling my inner Wario and fighting through the pain to get at the gold.

               I’ma gonna love gooooold!

 

Again, I’m not complaining about the taste of this cereal. It’s just not so boldly going where the good Cap’n has most certainly gone before, met a glib omnipotent alien, and adopted an orphan tribble… and named it Polly. That said, Quisp might have the greatest back of the box comic strip I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t include any nightmare fuel vistas of a snowman charnel house like Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms, but it does have enough bad puns to make me blush. 

 

Breakfast cereal formula anal probe abductions aside, not much more need be said.

This is good.

This is expensive.

This is Cap’n Crunch in a different form factor.

Quisp Cereal Back of Box
It even looks like a Borg Cube!

Taste: 8.5 intergalatic pirates out of 10… but basically just Cap’n Crunch and not worth Trump’s efforts to prop up domestically produced pirate booty via initiating a trade war by imposing Planet Q cereal tariffs. The box, however, is worth every… punny.

 

Box art: Punniest thing I’ve seen this side of Punnsylvania. “Dino Sore” is worth the price of admission alone. (more…)

Quick Review: Dairy Queen Summer Berry Cheesecake Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Summer Berry Cheesecake Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Summer Berry Cheesecake Blizzard Treat
Berry nice.

I’m just an NPC in The Simulation trying to get Ed Sheeran’s cheesecake. That will make more sense if you read my review of the Summery Berry Cheesecake Blizzard over at The Impulsive Buy. One of the two new blizzards on DQ’s summer menu, this one doesn’t live up to it’s billing like the Titanosaurically flavor packed Jurassic Chomp , or even the mildly disappointing Peanut Butter Flavor of the Month. Still, if I get to keep eating the cheesecake part of this dessert, count me in Ed.

Quick Review: Dairy Queen Jurassic Chomp Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Jurassic Chomp Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Jurassic Chomp Blizzard
Peanut butter will find a way.

I’m not sure why dinosaurs are so cranky, but every movie shows them wracking up pinball-esque amounts of economic damage and munching on vacuous tourist-mcnuggets.  It just doesn’t make any sense as Dairy Queen seems to think that dinos are inextricably linked to peanut butter and chocolate. With 2015’s Jurassic Smash featuring peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip cookie dough and choco chunks, and the new Jurassic Chomp mixing buckeye’s and fudge topping, there’s no excuse to be so pissed off. Maybe their local DQ was out of buckeye’s and they were stuck eating the sub-par Summer Berry Cheesecake sibling to this Summer Menu Blizzard or the Peanut Butter Cookie Dough April Flavor of the Month.

I know no matter what idiotic thing has come out of my mouth chocolate, especially combined with peanut butter, will soothe my raging T. rex of a wife.  And if you can’t trust Dairy Queen for accurate paleontological trivia, who can you trust? Find my review of the smashing Jurassic Chomp over at The Impulsive Buy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to grab some chocolate covered peanuts on the way home…

Quick Review: Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard

Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard
Dairy Queen Peanut Butter TOPPING and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard

Releasing alongside two new Summer Blizzard flavors Jurassic Chomp and Summer Berry Cheesecake, Dairy Queen has thrown down the gauntlet and issued a bad pun challenge. Their website attempts to force your eyeballs to roll right out of your head by informing you that you have “dough-cisions, dough-cisions” to make. Supposedly, it’s hard to choose between the new Peanut Butter Cookie Dough and the classic Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzards.

To them I say, dough you know who you are messing with? If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s being bad at everything I do. Head shaking hubristic fail aside, it is not, in fact, an over-kneaded dough-cision to make. If you are a fan of DQ’s traditional cookie dough then you probably doughn’t want this new one, and if peanut butter is your jam, you won’t be left dough-eyed either. Take that DQ! Find my full review, and more stupid!, over at The Impulsive Buy (more…)

Review: Oreo Peeps 2017 vs. 2018 Comparison

Nabisco Oreo Peeps

Oreo Peeps Package
Purple Peepsle Eater

I’ve always enjoyed Peeps for the marshmallowy sugar bomb that they are  If it’s adorable, it can’t be bad for you right? In either baby chick or bunny form, there isn’t anything cuter that’s 

81% sugar by weight. Of course in my bat infested belfry, it’s the nightmare fuel they become when irradiated that really makes these a uniquely enjoyable treat. Their Cthulian transformation from candy kawaii into a horrifying blob of liquified marshmallon viscera after a few seconds in the microwave is morbidly fascinating. Unfortunately, none of that is applicable to the Oreoified Oreo Peeps version of them.

Oreo Peeps Purple Factory
Two Peeps One Cookie

 

Returning this year, Peeps: The Next Generation integrate bas-relief carvings of Bugs and Daffy unlike 2017’s spin. Also, while the Oreoginal Series Oreo Peeps cookie sandwiched a neon pink creme between golden wafers, 2018’s Orenterprise-D has gone to the dark side with a chocolate wafer and purple creme. Tenuous portmanteaus and inappropriately mixed scifi properties aside, not so inquiring minds want to know, has the taste changed? Unearthing a package of 2017’s pink and gold Oreo Peeps from the back of the freezer, I conducted a bit of my kind of science, the fatty kind, and tried one of each.

 

Some will be thrilled to learn that these are indeed a different cookie beyond the simple change in wafer. Although the brilliant touch of sugary grit is still present, the Purple Peeps factory churns out a much more mellow and less harsh creme o’ mallow. Perhaps some of the edge is taken off by the more bitter chocolate wafer, but a less acrid cookie sort of defeats the premise of an Oreo Peeps. That should please most people who don’t like Peeps, but if you don’t like avian shaped marshmallow to begin with, why buy these? The golden wafered neon pink treat is more authentic to the Walter White-esque chemical laden party in your mouth that animalistic marshmallow treats are in their Pink Sky form.

 

Look, no one has ever eaten a Peep with knife and fork, pinky out, while adopting a pretentious British accent as they drone on about its sophisticated and subtle flavor profile. This is ‘Merca damn it, and I want to taste the chemical cocktail as it garrotes my violently thrashing taste buds like a Dexter guest star. In the end if you don’t like Peeps, you’ll probably be more into 2018 Right Peeps Oreo factory take but still not fall in love. If you liked the Left Factory’s golden Oreo Peeps, then you won’t like the new one’s as much, but they are still enjoyable. Either way, this is a peep show I’m into.

Chomp Factor:

Purple Peep’s Factory Chompiness: 7 Jedi-Klingon’s out of 10

 

Yellow Peep’s Factory Chompiness: 8 R2-Data’s out of 10 (more…)