Dairy Queen must be falling on hard times. The new Reese’s Outrageous Blizzard is piggybacking on Hershey’s marketing dollars just like last months Oreo Firework Blizzard. This time around though, no one is trying to murder me with slick candy pieces. Although when it tastes as good as this one does, at least I’d die with a peanut butter eating grin on my face. Once again the titular candy bar is not to be found, but there are Peanut Butter Cups and Pieces alike. You can find more in my review over at The Impulsive Buy.
Need a little more chocolate with your peanut butter? Maybe give the Jurassic Chomp a whirl or make your own cereal infused peanut butter with this easy recipe? Or, are you one of the evil E.T.’s who don’t like legumey lusciousness? Here’s my take on the rest of the summer menu!
Cap’n Crunch is running his new counter keto diet, Cap’ns’ Carbo Crunches, and saving a buck by modeling the promised cereal six pack himself on the cover of Limited Edition Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch. Keto might sound appealing to some, but 11 times out of 10, I’ll take the diet where I’m encouraged to eat food that’s 1/3rd sugar by weight.
Chomp / Marry / Kill?
Chomp. Beyond the good Cap’ns’ (where the hell do you put the possessive apostrophe?!) rock hard bod, there isn’t much to see here. It’s the same delicious, artificially colored booty one expects to find aboard the Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries S.S Guppy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The box art is fantastic as per the norm from Quaker’s cartoony cereal cupboard. I always thought of the old sea dog as an elder statesmen, but the Cap’ns’ (damn you apostrophe!), fantastic flexing of his battleships has me hanging a “if this bowl’s a rock’in don’t come a knock’in” sign up. Other than making me salivate over my cereal, the special crunch berries aesthetics are the draw on this site seeing sailing spree. Unfortunately, this is where the ship begins to springs a few leaks. Supposedly, shapes of various beach/ocean themed symbols promise to turn your milk ocean blue. While they quickly alter the color with a swirl or two, it’s more of a sky blue to my eyes.
I found Halloween Crunch’s ghostly green gimmick more evocative of the theme as you can tell by my spooky Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch Milkshake. More disappointing, the special shapes are not exactly as distinct as advertised. Less dolphins and star fish and more red blobs amorphous enough that one will probably be listed on eBay for $100 bucks because it looks like Jesus doing pilates.
There’s nothing to complain about flavor wise as it’s the classic Crunch Berries I assume you know and love if you are reading this. If all you need is an excuse to pick up a box o’ Crunch, then this latest fad diet Beach Bash rendition is as good a reason as any. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when the ladies find you to be a bit more flab than fab. If however you are into the fun theme, you will probably be left a little adrift. There is no excuse for a cereal unique due to marketing to then have shapes that are either boring or more like an impressionist painting than anything I’ve ever seen on a beach. Come to think of it, some of them do kind of like like ears…
Unicorns aren’t monsters. No, that isn’t just me trying to placate my wife and stay out of the Cerberus house. Fortunately, it doesn’t take too much digging to uncover the origins of the monster moniker. Beef-a-roo’s summertime Blue Unicorn Monster Shake is described as “blue raspberry shake, confetti Krispie square, vanilla cupcake, sugar wafers, chopped tutti-frutti jolly ranchers, and magical pink whipped cream!” As the description and prettily painted pointy pony picture prove (take that Darkwing Duck!), it’s the implication that the shake itself is a unicorn, and you are the monster for eating it. I see King Haggard is now in the shake making business. Surprisingly there is no caffeine, so he must have left the… Red Bull at home.
The attempt to replicate an actual unicorn is on full display. This is the second ice cream treat I’ve eaten that seems to focus more on marketing than taste in as many weeks, but at least this one doesn’t taste like cough medicine. I’m at a loss as to why the body of this particular unicorn is blue—and a liquid for that matter. Maybe unicorns are in the same phylum as whatever sugar encrusted hell hole Cookie Monster’s ancestors crawled out from. Regardless, the bits and bobs are almost entirely a show pony—albeit a horned one. None of the individual elements making up the limbs do anything to enhance the flavor of the shake body. Coating them in blue blood is simply a waste of time and in some cases causes unpleasant sogginess.
The sugar wafer “ears” are mild and generic in taste and quickly become soggy, so hopefully unicorns also possess magical echolocation as I recommend devouring them first. For some reason, the horn consists of a square rice krispie treat and a mini-cupcake. I’ve never seen anything resembling that in the literature, but a unicornologist I am not. The cupcake is the best of the bunch, but it is fairly unremarkable beyond a buttery yellow cake and inoffensive frosting flavor. In a close second place finish, the rice krispie treat is fresh and appropriately chewy. The sprinkles don’t add any flavor, but the textural contrast is pleasant.
All of this sits atop the shake and a mane tasting of grocery store frosting complete with gritty chemical aftertaste. The jolly rancher bits serve as the equivalent of unicorn glitter after our blue bodied beauty treated herself to a day at the salon. Apparently, she wanted to look her best before being eaten. The “always wear clean underwear” mentality I guess. Regardless, they are neither tutti, nor frutti to my taste buds—an occasional watermelon flavor is the most that I can detect. Of course, that may be due to the unrelenting assault of the fifty other kinds of sugar murdering any hope of tasting anything beyond corn syrup and cane sugar ever again. The shake itself lacks complexity, and it isn’t as potent as one expects to find in something called a “monster” shake. I assume the idea is that the treats are dipped into the shake to compensate for this, but they are not complementary flavors. The blue raspberry is present, but again, probably hidden by the other elements competing for your taste buds attention.
If unicorn’s are made of magic, this shake fails to capture any of it. At 6.99, I simply can’t recommend it at the price… point.
The Chomp: Beef-A-Roo Blue Unicorn Monster Shake ($6.99 for the smallest size)
Dairy Queen hates dinosaurs. Last month’s delicious Jurassic Chomp celebrates the only movie that’s made my wife cry in theaters, “Fallen Kingdom.” While I don’t find the dino’s demise as tear jerking as she does, they certainly don’t hold back. On it’s own, one can argue it’s just a movie tie in. But by following up with the limited time Star Spangled Blizzard, there can be no other explanation. Think about it. A star is violently thrust into a vanilla sky, its scattered debris obscuring the frozen land beneath that has run red with “cherry.” It even comes in a Jurassic World cup, and What’s more it tastes like dino doo, doo!
This is the first review that almost killed me. I didn’t realize the fireworks in DQ’s new Oreo Firework Blizzard also come with an adult supervision warning. No, it isn’t because the flavor is “mind blowing” (although spoiler alert, it’s good). You can find out why over at The Impulsive Buy. After all, it’s the least one can do after I put my life on the line. But don’t stop there, because there’s also the limited quantity Star Spangled Blizzard is out now. Actually, do stop there because that thing @#%$@#% sucks.
If you need more good Blizzards in your life, you can read about some of the fantastic choices on the Summer Blizzard menu!