Assassin’s Crossing Isulation: Sitrep III Nook’s and Crannies

Sitrep III: Nook’s and Crannies

After leaving the dog’s den, I made for the wrong side of the tracks. Well, the other side of the tracks anyway. “Nook’s Homes” appeared to have perhaps a bit of a seedy look tucked between the sigh “Club lol” and the post office. Ignoring the den of depravity and disease and not wanting to have my not-so-funny bone tickled, I beat feet for the door.

If I wasn’t sure before, I’m sure now that I’m being watched like a school girl in in a pervy pachinko parlor. The question is, was Nook informed by Isabelle or someone else? If Isabelle narced, why would Nook be say so? It would only make sense it were someone else. Unless of course he wanted to throw me off the trail in case I suspected anything because obviously it couldn’t be Isabelle if he was giving me her name. Fortunately, I’ve spent years building up an immunity to Iocane powder.

No more time now, but if you missed my last entry you can find it here or start from the beginning here.


Beef-A-Roo Pink Flamingo Monster Shake REVIEW


Pink Flamingo Monster Shake Close
Steven Tyler was right.

If my wife had her way, our yard would be covered in the largest flock of plastic flamingos this side of a geriatric Floridian trailer park. Fortunately, I can soothe the gauche beast (love ya babe!) with Beef-A-Roo’s newest limited time summer offering, the Pink Flamingo Monster Shake. A strawberry flavored milkshake is blended with raspberry fruit chunks, topped with whipped cream, vanilla wafer cookies, pound cake and, be still my heart, a red velvet cake pop. Oh, and a mini plastic flamingo!

While the Blue Unicorn Monster Shake is mythically pretty, the Pink Flamingo is more impressive. It doesn’t embody the body of its namesake as the Blue Unicorn does. Of course when I mentioned it, my wife looked at me like I had told her Jar Jar Binks is a better character than Chewie—ymmv. Even if you don’t find yourself intently milkshake cloud gazing like me, we all know that taste is where the monster is made. I’m pleased to say that this is where the Pink Flamingo sets itself apart from its horned equine brethren.

Beef-A-Roo kindly sent me a gift card as I was underwhelmed with the Blue Unicorn, and its use in testing the Pink Flamingo was well spent. The strawberry dipped in whipped cream and shake base are predictably delicious. But who reads a review of a monster shake adorned with 15 kinds of man made sugar to find out how the whole fruit tastes? Sure as hell not me.

I was pleased to discover the sugar wafers were not soggy this time and complimented the shake swimmingly. It makes me wonder if I received cookies past their prime last time. Unfortunately, the main draw for me had me seeing red as the cake ball is a bit of a disappointment. It is by no means bad, but the coating is unremarkable and the red velvet cake itself is rather dry and somewhat muted in flavor. The ice cream provides needed moisture when dipped, but it doesn’t otherwise enhance the experience.

The other and much more substantial cake slices on the other hand save the day. For those in the audience that aren’t as slow on the uptake as yours truly, the pound cake married with the base and whipped cream perfectly capture strawberry shortcake in shake form. It is a stroke of monster mash-up genius.


Pink Flamingo Monster Shake Full
I really hope that’s just syrup underneath his tail feathers…


The Pink Flamingo turns a simple concept into a unique, tacky plastic ornamented monstrous delight. While pricey at $6.99, pink is the color of love for this flamingo themed treat even if it didn’t make me break out into song like the Pink Donut cereal.


*I was provided a gift I used to purchase this shake after I was disappointed with the Blue Unicorn. It did not influence my review.

The Chomp: Beef-A-Roo Pink Flamingo Monster Shake ($6.99 for the smallest size)

Chompiness: 8 lawn loitering plastic avians out of 10


Reese’s Outrageous Blizzard Dairy Queen – QUICK REVIEW

Reeses Outrageous Blizzard Spoon Dairy Queen 2
I love Reese’s to pieces.


Dairy Queen must be falling on hard times. The new Reese’s Outrageous Blizzard is piggybacking on Hershey’s marketing dollars just like last months Oreo Firework Blizzard. This time around though, no one is trying to murder me with slick candy pieces. Although when it tastes as good as this one does, at least I’d die with a peanut butter eating grin on my face. Once again the titular candy bar is not to be found, but there are Peanut Butter Cups and Pieces alike. You can find more in my review over at The Impulsive Buy.

Need a little more chocolate with your peanut butter? Maybe give the Jurassic Chomp a whirl or make your own cereal infused peanut butter with this easy recipe? Or, are you one of the evil E.T.’s who don’t like legumey lusciousness? Here’s my take on the rest of the summer menu!


Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch REVIEW


Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Front of Box
Which way to the insulin?

The Chomp:

Cap’n Crunch is running his new counter keto diet, Cap’ns’ Carbo Crunches, and saving a buck by modeling the promised cereal six pack himself on the cover of Limited Edition Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch. Keto might sound appealing to some, but 11 times out of 10, I’ll take the diet where I’m encouraged to eat food that’s 1/3rd sugar by weight.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Back of Box
I’m not sure that LaFoote should allowed within a thousand yards of a public beach…

Chomp / Marry / Kill?

Chomp. Beyond the good Cap’ns’ (where the hell do you put the possessive apostrophe?!) rock hard bod, there isn’t much to see here. It’s the same delicious, artificially colored booty one expects to find aboard the Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries S.S Guppy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The box art is fantastic as per the norm from Quaker’s cartoony cereal cupboard.  I always thought of the old sea dog as an elder statesmen, but the Cap’ns’ (damn you apostrophe!), fantastic flexing of his battleships has me hanging a “if this bowl’s a rock’in don’t come a knock’in” sign up. Other than making me salivate over my cereal, the special crunch berries aesthetics are the draw on this site seeing sailing spree. Unfortunately, this is where the ship begins to springs a few leaks. Supposedly, shapes of various beach/ocean themed symbols promise to turn your milk ocean blue. While they quickly alter the color with a swirl or two, it’s more of a sky blue to my eyes.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Milk
Looks like the Cap’n is Juicing.

I found Halloween Crunch’s ghostly green gimmick more evocative of the theme as you can tell by my spooky Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch Milkshake. More disappointing, the special shapes are not exactly as distinct as advertised. Less dolphins and star fish and more red blobs amorphous enough that one will probably be listed on eBay for $100 bucks because it looks like Jesus doing pilates.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Shapes
Jesus doing downward dog


There’s nothing to complain about flavor wise as it’s the classic Crunch Berries I assume you know and love if you are reading this. If all you need is an excuse to pick up a box o’ Crunch, then this latest fad diet Beach Bash rendition is as good a reason as any. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when the ladies find you to be a bit more flab than fab. If however you are into the fun theme, you will probably be left a little adrift. There is no excuse for a cereal unique due to marketing to then have shapes that are either boring or more like an impressionist painting than anything I’ve ever seen on a beach. Come to think of it, some of them do kind of like like ears…

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Bowl
Look mom, I got a Cthulu!

The Chomp: Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch

Chompiness: 6.5 burly biceps out of 10


Beef-A-Roo Blue Unicorn Monster Shake REVIEW

Blue Unicorn Monster Shake


Blue Unicorn Monster Shake Side
So the bartender says “why the blue face?”

Unicorns aren’t monsters. No, that isn’t just me trying to placate my wife and stay out of the Cerberus house. Fortunately, it doesn’t take too much digging to uncover the origins of the monster moniker. Beef-a-roo’s summertime Blue Unicorn Monster Shake is described as “blue raspberry shake, confetti Krispie square, vanilla cupcake, sugar wafers, chopped tutti-frutti jolly ranchers, and magical pink whipped cream!” As the description and prettily painted pointy pony picture prove (take that Darkwing Duck!), it’s the implication that the shake itself is a unicorn, and you are the monster for eating it. I see King Haggard is now in the shake making business. Surprisingly there is no caffeine, so he must have left the… Red Bull at home.


The attempt to replicate an actual unicorn is on full display. This is the second ice cream treat I’ve eaten that seems to focus more on marketing than taste in as many weeks, but at least this one doesn’t taste like cough medicine. I’m at a loss as to why the body of this particular unicorn is blue—and a liquid for that matter. Maybe unicorns are in the same phylum as whatever sugar encrusted hell hole Cookie Monster’s ancestors crawled out from. Regardless, the bits and bobs are almost entirely a show pony—albeit a horned one. None of the individual elements making up the limbs do anything to enhance the flavor of the shake body. Coating them in blue blood is simply a waste of time and in some cases causes unpleasant sogginess.

Blue Unicorn Monster Shake Top
Is she winking at me?

The sugar wafer “ears” are mild and generic in taste and quickly become soggy, so hopefully unicorns also possess magical echolocation as I recommend devouring them first. For some reason, the horn consists of a square rice krispie treat and a mini-cupcake. I’ve never seen anything resembling that in the literature, but a unicornologist I am not. The cupcake is the best of the bunch, but it is fairly unremarkable beyond a buttery yellow cake and inoffensive frosting flavor. In a close second place finish, the rice krispie treat is fresh and appropriately chewy. The sprinkles don’t add any flavor, but the textural contrast is pleasant.


All of this sits atop the shake and a mane tasting of grocery store frosting complete with gritty chemical aftertaste. The jolly rancher bits serve as the equivalent of unicorn glitter after our blue bodied beauty treated herself to a day at the salon. Apparently, she wanted to look her best before being eaten. The “always wear clean underwear” mentality I guess. Regardless, they are neither tutti, nor frutti to my taste buds—an occasional watermelon flavor is the most that I can detect. Of course, that may be due to the unrelenting assault of the fifty other kinds of sugar murdering any hope of tasting anything beyond corn syrup and cane sugar ever again. The shake itself lacks complexity, and it isn’t as potent as one expects to find in something called a “monster” shake.  I assume the idea is that the treats are dipped into the shake to compensate for this, but they are not complementary flavors. The blue raspberry is present, but again, probably hidden by the other elements competing for your taste buds attention.


If unicorn’s are made of magic, this shake fails to capture any of it.  At 6.99, I simply can’t recommend it at the price… point.

The Chomp: Beef-A-Roo Blue Unicorn Monster Shake ($6.99 for the smallest size)

Chompiness: 5 alliterating alicorns out of 10