Introducing Verizon’s New Defense Division: ‘Supporting Our Troops, Like We Do Our First Responders.’

Business

2/7/19 8:27am

NEW YORK—Verizon’s CEO announced the acquisition of the only firearm and ammunition manufacturer in the United States today, Remington Arms. “At Verizon, we want to ensure we deliver the same fantastic service to the men and women defending our shores as we do our first responders like the Santa Clara County Fire Department. During the California wildfires, we saved lives by rapidly removing the data throttling we imposed as soon as they paid us double their original unlimited plans’ cost.”

“Our new defense division subscription model will offer a basic plan that provides unlimited ammunition to each and every soldier. In the unlikely event that a noble warrior goes over the unlimited cap of 100 rounds, we will continue supporting the warfighter with unlimited blanks. Should he or she require more live ammunition than is normally allowed per month, the hero’s of our nation can swipe their personal credit cards at any time and upgrade to the premium ‘Pay to Pop’ plan which provides additional live ammunition for a small $1 per round fee.”

“This new paradigm will enable the warfighter to heroically save as many lives as they can afford— just like Verizon.”

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Scrooge McDuck Starts Go Fund Me Campaign for Struggling NFL After Earning Only $15 Billion Dollars.

Business

2/3/2019 9:36AM

Scrooge McDuck Starts Go Fund Me Campaign for Struggling NFL


DUCKBURG—Billionaire and renowned philanthropist Scrooge McDuck wants to ensure that the NFL, which he says brings joy to millions of people every week, can continue to exist. “I’m always looking for ways to give back to the community, and there is no more beloved or deserving an institution than the National Football League.” To that end, he’s set up a Go Fund Me page for the NFL where he has outlined why he’s concerned about the organization’s financial health and longevity.

“Did you know that the NFL has to pay for half or more of the billion dollar stadiums that it builds? Furthermore, while over 100 million viewers are expected to enjoy the Superbowl this weekend, no tax credits will be provided. Justifiably, the NFL won’t pay a single cent in taxes or many of the costs associated with hosting the event, but don’t they deserve more than that from fans? It was only a few years ago that vocal but misguided souls forced them to give up their tax exempt status.”

Beyond just the enjoyment the NFL brings to people lives, Scrooge also highlights what he sees as the League’s contributions to society. “These job creators are pillars of our communities that put their employee’s health and safety first and foremost while also championing social progress and equality. Afterall, the NFL is a haven for wayward souls. It provides the safe, low key environment said players need to reform and become model citizens. Otherwise, how would domestic abusers or sexual predators for example have the opportunity to eke out humble lives as millionaires while also shaping impressionable young minds for generations to come?”

“It is incredibly important for fans whose lives the NFL has touched to write their representative and demand more tax breaks and government funding for this cherished for-profit, private and completely unaccountable monopoly of billionaires. But with it only earning $15 billion in revenue last year, everyone also needs to reach deep into their wallets and share whatever they can to ensure the NFL can survive these lean times.”

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Eyebook Paying Underage Hobbits to Install Spying App Calls Dark Lord Sauron’s Motives into Question.

Business

1/30/19 7:29pm

MORDOR—With recent shocking revelations that Eyebook is spying on it’s users, Middle-earther’s are beginning to question whether the Dark Lord Sauron has their best interests at heart. The latest scandal of the beleaguered platform asserts that Eyebook is giving away Lembas of the Month subscriptions to underage hobbits who agree to install an ‘Eyebook research VPN’ on their palantir.

This app allows the Eye of Sauron to focus on all users at once—capturing every action at all times. “Your data couldn’t be in safer hands” top executive Saruman the White says. “This isn’t the overreaching, omnipresent, total invasion of user privacy elven alarmists would have you believe. Tracking every movement, action, and even thought of users allows Eyebook to enhance their experience by serving more relevant ads” says Saruman. “This is a win/win situation.”

When asked about accusations of orcish advertising intended to influence the recent Gondorian succession, Saruman denied knowledge of any such activities.

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Former Home Improvement Television Show Star Refuses to do Housework. Demands Wife Pay to Build Fence in Backyard After Insomnia Fueled ‘The Apprentice’ Binge.

Entertainment

1/27/19 2:59pm

MICHIGAN—The former host of a Michigan based home improvement show is taking offense at the lack of a fence in his backyard. After a recent move has reportedly left him fenceless, he has been a changed man says an anonymous source. “He used the fence as a sort confessional booth with his neighbor obscured from view behind it acting as his on-demand priest.”

Friends and family say this has apparently lead to worsening mental health for the man who is now suffering from insomnia. “He just lays on the couch watching reruns of ‘The Apprentice’ at night. He walks around in a daze muttering about ‘making them pay for it’ as he stares out of his dining room into the backyard.” At times, he appears catatonic, according to some, capable of nothing beyond uttering unintelligible guttural noises. Others say that is normal behavior for him.

The man’s wife has stated he has refused to do the dishes or any other housework until she gives him the money to build what he calls his ‘great wall.’ “I’m not stopping him” she’s told friends. “He has access to the credit cards and can build it himself.” Reportedly, she views this as a “blessing in disguise” as she says everything he touches either explodes or catches on fire and then explodes.

Still, friends say his wife is very concerned. “He’s suffering from dissociative identity disorder” says one source. “He’s calling himself, William ‘The Wall Man’ Wallace. He walks up to people and asks them if they know what time it is before shouting ‘Wall Time’ and walking away. Every conversation with him is about how he’s ‘going to build a great, great wall’ and that ‘no one builds a wall with more power than him’.” The family has requested privacy while they help the man deal with this almost total shutdown.

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