The first, and maybe only, report for the Show Me Your TD’s fantasy football league!
After the dark events of Giant Bomb’s E3 Ubisoft Conference, I prepared episode 1 of D.E.R.P. (Dan Ryckert Education Remediation Program) so that Dan and other unfortunate souls will know exactly what it takes to be a pirate.
Cereal Killer: Breakfast of Chumpions
Is your fear as sugary sweet as your crimes against breakfast you cereal mascot sycophants?
You cram your bowls with sin morning, noon and night . Not content to shove your ravenous maws full with breakfast cereal for actual breakfast. You bathe your tongues in cereal detritus and sickeningly lick your fruit flavored rabbit excrement smudged faces. You lay with cartoon, beast and bird alike in your concave dairy bed bursting with cinnamon toasted pillows. Greedily slurping every drop of sugary secretions sunk to the bottom of your used vessel. Drowning in the sacramental moo juice of the animalistic idols that you bow and scrape before. Your life meaningless beyond your insatiable honey bee hunger. Your primal hedonism clawing at your every waking moment,.enslaving you to the pursuit of the detestable release of your first frosted fix. Every soggy bowl extends that tantalizing toucan high ever further beyond your eternally quaking grasp.
You sicken me. You disgustingly wretched, sickeningly sweetened corn and wheat mongers. Your dilated pupils and trembling hands shaking in anticipation for your next bowl, your next fix of anthropomorphized sugarcotics. A frog here, a leprechaun there. You go coocoo for your gggrrreeeaaaatttt new hot fudge sundae, real cookie dough, peanut butter blasted, butterscotch core, brownie puffs. I shall cram the artificially fruit flavored depravity of your labor down your throats until you choke on it. Rivers of milk will run red with #40 dye. Look at what your caligulan cereal cravings hath wrought and despair! Your demise made manifest by that which you heathens love so much. Crushed under the weight of your ID made manifest. I am coming for you. The milky cold grip of justice will reach out from your cupboards and snap, crackle, and pop your necks when you least expect it. Damning you to an eternity spent in the great Boo Berry Beyond. Take solace in your bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs while you still can silly rabbit, for dual scoops of death are for YOU…
The Mushroom Kingdom is a magical place… minus the constant peril of kidnapping, being swallowed whole by ravenous dinosaurs, or literally being chased and vaporized by the sun— Idyllic.
That is until we threw a grad party for my sister as a showcase for the spinoff I’m pitching to the Food Network—Yan Sure as F*ck Can’t Cook. All this is to say, I know I suck. Case in my point, this Question Block cake.
My creations taste good, usually, but look at that thing! I’ve seen better looking orange chicken after a month in back-of-fridge purgatory. (As if orange chicken survives for longer than 5 minutes when I’m around; that shit is Ketracel-white deep-fried in Kasa oil.)
I share though because when I go looking for tasty or clever ideas, I have to wade through such captivating tales as little Billy’s potty training oopsy or William Shakespaw’s spa day at Shampoodles. Wouldn’t you rather see the result of a Food Network Challenge meets Darwin Award chock full of awful puns and dated pop culture references than read about toilet paper cozies?
I do this so for you, dear reader, so you can feel good about your product no matter how disastrous the finished good. Yeah, I do it on purpose, let’s go with that…
On to the menu:
- Hot Yoshicoa: White chocolate melted and mixed into half and half with mint extract
- Question Block Cake: A boxed yellow cake and tub frosting we adapted from Nerdy Nummies
- Yoshi Egg Brownie Pop: A giant Oreo truffle-esque cream cheese brownie coated in almond bark and made to look like a Yoshi egg… if you are legally blind.
The party started with a round of Mario Kart: Shaun White edition… if you swap the karts for dollar store sleds clipped with hand decorated Super Mario character cards and Shaun White for a bunch of idiots incapable of staying on said sleds for more than a few seconds. So, basically, nothing at all like either of those things.
Stage appropriately set, let’s talk cake. Now, you have to use your imagination a bit as I have the artistic ability and attention to detail of a kindergartener after five bowls of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs bathed in Four Loko. But that’s all part of the hand crafted rustic charm! At least, that’s what I tell myself so I can continue being able to look in the mirror long enough to shave without having to shower cry afterward.
Despite the photographic evidence to the contrary, the focus was on the decoration and not the flavor. As this was for my sister who’s taste for lemon is inversely proportional to her love for Yoshi, we cheated with a boxed Betty Crocker Yellow Cake and yellow tub frosting and a pack of white fondant. Six 6×6 pans from 2 boxes and 2 tubs of frosting later, we had our base to work from. We free handed the cutting with a knife as is abundantly clear by the Block of Deleano Pilaza (wow that was awful, I’m leaving it). Anyone who has been appropriately horrified by my pumpkin carving would have predicted this result.
Coring and frosting the cakes was actually pretty simple despite my proclivity for screwing things up, and it did not take more than 15 minutes to assemble the cake. We cut question marks and blocks from fondant with the aid of a printed 8×11 stencil, if you don’t treat your hand like an angry thwomp to Mario’s fondant face by pressing down as hard as you can, the paper won’t stick.
As for the coins in the original recipe, a Wario cake this is not. When a lady loves dinosaurs and brownies, you give her a f*cking pan of brownies injected with gobs of cream cheese all encased in white candy coating and bits of green candy melts for the finishing touch. You will not have a lot of room to work with if you decide to go with my Yoshi Egg surprise, so if you don’t plan ahead by dropping your food on the floor like me, you probably only need about half the pan. The rest should be promptly shoveled into your face like you’re auditioning for the lead role in a Fat Princess sequel. Brownie me please!
Protip: Save time cutting the bottom off of your brownies by not dropping them onto the floor!
Like A Bowser Protip: But if you do, you will quickly discover why dogs are man’s best friend because they will love you forever.
A word of warning, if I had to do it over again, I would not add the green candy melt chocolate after the bark hardened. As a couple of the dots fell off, I would add the green melts as I applied the bark coating. After the egg was finished, I propped it up and pooled bark at the base to create a stand. This proved to be the one intelligent thing I did in this process as it made standing the egg inside of the cake much easier. Quick insertion (that’s what she said) and a bit of a dome from the egg that was just a litttttlllleeeee too big (that’s what he said) and Bobomb’s your uncle, it was done.
One should not expect to cut the brownie with the cake, we gingerly removed it and sliced them separately. None of this was pretty, but it was as tasty as Luigi is lame— phenomenally.
If you attempt anything similar let me know, I’d love to hear how you didn’t screw it up!
I leave you with a video of the events that occured on the rainbow road of snowy hills…