Review: Quisp Cereal and Where to Buy

Quisp Cereal

 

Quisp Cereal Box Front
Where’s the mule that kicked him in the face?

 

For those not in the know, Quisp is the Rocky Horror Picture Show of the breakfast aisle. One of my personal favorite shows, the fantastic Cereal Time TV, provides a succinct but entertaining history in this Quisp (1965) video. It’s not just Gabe, the hero of cerOeal ) singing the praises of a real life cerealized take on evil Orville Redenbacher’s space corn though. I know that was awful, bbbuuuttt I’mmmmm leavingggggg it! Quisp is consistently topping cereal rankings such as mrbreakfast.com’s 100 All-Time Greatest Breakfast Cereals.

Once discontinued, Quisp has been resurrected as an internet cereal with an extremely limited and sporadic physical release in stores. Fortunately, this mythic ambrosia isn’t that hard to get your hands on anymore even if the price tag makes it feel like it’s imported from the Quisp homeworld.

I had to know what all the fuss was about, so I snapped my fingers and John De Lancie’d myself a box from Walmart.com. Was it the greatest thing since Drew Scanlon set the memeosphere ablaze?

Drew Scanlon Blinking
Yes and No

 

Quisp is a great cereal. In fact, Quisp’s taste would make it one of my favorite cereals. The problem is, it’s a cereal I’ve eaten and loved before… 

 

Not coincidentally, also from Quaker. Wait… was the Cap’n abducted by aliens?!

 

As you’re reading a review for a cult breakfast cereal from a guy that is so painfully unfunny it’s actually kinda funny (not really), I’ll spare you rambling detail because:

1. You’re familiar if not also a fan of Cap’n Crunch and                                                     

C. I feel sorry for you that you’re here doing this instead of doing something more productive like sweeping sunshine… on the interior of a Dyson Sphere.

Quisp Cereal Bowl
No milk, so my cereal stayed… quispy

Basically, buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn treasure chests are swapped for buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn saucers. They seem to be a bit less rough on the roof, but frankly, that’s never been a problem for me to begin with. Maybe I’m just channeling my inner Wario and fighting through the pain to get at the gold.

               I’ma gonna love gooooold!

 

Again, I’m not complaining about the taste of this cereal. It’s just not so boldly going where the good Cap’n has most certainly gone before, met a glib omnipotent alien, and adopted an orphan tribble… and named it Polly. That said, Quisp might have the greatest back of the box comic strip I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t include any nightmare fuel vistas of a snowman charnel house like Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms, but it does have enough bad puns to make me blush. 

 

Breakfast cereal formula anal probe abductions aside, not much more need be said.

This is good.

This is expensive.

This is Cap’n Crunch in a different form factor.

Quisp Cereal Back of Box
It even looks like a Borg Cube!

Taste: 8.5 intergalatic pirates out of 10… but basically just Cap’n Crunch and not worth Trump’s efforts to prop up domestically produced pirate booty via initiating a trade war by imposing Planet Q cereal tariffs. The box, however, is worth every… punny.

 

Box art: Punniest thing I’ve seen this side of Punnsylvania. “Dino Sore” is worth the price of admission alone.

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