Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch REVIEW

 

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Front of Box
Which way to the insulin?

The Chomp:

Cap’n Crunch is running his new counter keto diet, Cap’ns’ Carbo Crunches, and saving a buck by modeling the promised cereal six pack himself on the cover of Limited Edition Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch. Keto might sound appealing to some, but 11 times out of 10, I’ll take the diet where I’m encouraged to eat food that’s 1/3rd sugar by weight.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Back of Box
I’m not sure that LaFoote should allowed within a thousand yards of a public beach…

Chomp / Marry / Kill?

Chomp. Beyond the good Cap’ns’ (where the hell do you put the possessive apostrophe?!) rock hard bod, there isn’t much to see here. It’s the same delicious, artificially colored booty one expects to find aboard the Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries S.S Guppy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The box art is fantastic as per the norm from Quaker’s cartoony cereal cupboard.  I always thought of the old sea dog as an elder statesmen, but the Cap’ns’ (damn you apostrophe!), fantastic flexing of his battleships has me hanging a “if this bowl’s a rock’in don’t come a knock’in” sign up. Other than making me salivate over my cereal, the special crunch berries aesthetics are the draw on this site seeing sailing spree. Unfortunately, this is where the ship begins to springs a few leaks. Supposedly, shapes of various beach/ocean themed symbols promise to turn your milk ocean blue. While they quickly alter the color with a swirl or two, it’s more of a sky blue to my eyes.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Milk
Looks like the Cap’n is Juicing.

I found Halloween Crunch’s ghostly green gimmick more evocative of the theme as you can tell by my spooky Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch Milkshake. More disappointing, the special shapes are not exactly as distinct as advertised. Less dolphins and star fish and more red blobs amorphous enough that one will probably be listed on eBay for $100 bucks because it looks like Jesus doing pilates.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Shapes
Jesus doing downward dog

Chompclusion:

There’s nothing to complain about flavor wise as it’s the classic Crunch Berries I assume you know and love if you are reading this. If all you need is an excuse to pick up a box o’ Crunch, then this latest fad diet Beach Bash rendition is as good a reason as any. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when the ladies find you to be a bit more flab than fab. If however you are into the fun theme, you will probably be left a little adrift. There is no excuse for a cereal unique due to marketing to then have shapes that are either boring or more like an impressionist painting than anything I’ve ever seen on a beach. Come to think of it, some of them do kind of like like ears…

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Bowl
Look mom, I got a Cthulu!

The Chomp: Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch

Chompiness: 6.5 burly biceps out of 10

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Cereal Peanut Butter: Easy Homemade Cereal Infused PB

Cereal Peanut Butter

Cereal Peanut Butter Reese's Puffs 3

I’m a man with many loves, but chief among them are peanut butter and breakfast cereals. This Peanut Butter Cereal recipe is something I’m ashamed to admit I did not think of on my own. The joining of socially acceptable breakfast candy with the Legume of the Gods seems like a hole in my life that needs filling. Well ladies and gentleman, that ends today!

Well, not today because I already did this a few days ago. Otherwise a future me will have to travel back in time to give past me pictures before I make this. Clearly it would also mean I will suffer severe head trauma as I didn’t provide past me with lottery numbers. Otherwise, I’d be dictating this to my servants dressed as Bikini Bottom residents in my giant subsea pineapple house. Musings on my failings as a time traveler aside, let’s get back to why my fat ass is really here. The holy union between two of humankind’s greatest achievements. Breakfast cereal and peanut butter. I first learned of the best thing since Reese’s met Pieces from Junkbanter when he shared the delightful concept from Peanut Principle. While I appreciate the inspiration, my Scrooge McKrabb’s card would be revoked if I dropped 8 simoleons on a jar. If you do not sleep on Wario bedsheets and would rather just buy your own, you can find Peanut Principle’s fare here. As I’ve made my own peanut butter before, I figured how hard can it be? Turns out it so easy even Mario dressed like a caveman can do it!

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal Peanut Butter

Cereal Peanut Butter Cinnamon Toast Crunch 2

Ingredients

Scale up or down for your desired amount.

  • Dry Roasted Salted peanuts 120g ( feel free to substitute nut of choice)
  • Cinnamon Toast Crunch 20g
  • Cinnamon 5g (or to taste)
  • Vanilla 6g (or to taste)
  • Sugar (to taste, any sweetener or none at all will work)
  • Peanut Oil (can be omitted completely or used to achieve desired consistency)

Cereal Peanut Butter Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Directions

  1. Throw the desired amount of peanuts in the food processor and turn that sucker on high for 60 seconds or so.
  2. Once you have the beginning of what appears to be butterfied peanuts, toss all of your desired mix-ins into the processor on high. I needed about 3 minutes total, but I like my peanut butter thick and gritty. Not unlike DC’s latest reboot starring Mr. Peanut, The Dark Nut Rises…
  3. Process until you are happy with the consistency, and if desired, you can add peanut oil to produce a smoother, creamier result. I added my Cinnamon Toast Crunch right at the end. I only pulsed it a few times as chunky isn’t just what my snarky scale calls me every morning. If you prefer a smoother and more dispersed flavor, you’ll want to add yours earlier in the process.

Cereal Peanut Butter Cinnamon Toast Crunch 3

Unfortunately, I do not know how long this will stay fresh as I devoured it. I can say that after a week, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pieces did seem to be a little soggier but still held a decent crunch. I recommend a small batch if soggy pieces are a deal breaker for you. That said, if you are reading this, you probably share my addictions and this will not last long enough to go bad. It takes the best part of peanut butter and adds a subtle but consistent cinnamon flavor throughout. With my chunky version, it transitions to pockets of Cinnamon Toast Crunch punch with a salty, peanuty follow through. It makes a fantastic english muffin topping or peanut butter sandwich. The Cinnamon Toast Crunch acts as a sweetener and adds enough complexity that jelly or marshmallow is optional as it’s delicious on its own.

 

Reese’s Puff & Chocolate Cereal Peanut Butter

Cereal Peanut Butter Reese's Puffs 2

The Inception of the cereal peanut butter hybrid world is an amazing concept. While I had to do it, I went in knowing that this would probably not work.

And It didn’t.

It certainly doesn’t taste bad, but the Reese’s Puffs flavor is completely overwhelmed by, you know, actual, peanut butter. That said, this left me with Ghiradelli chocolate peanut butter, sooooo, I’m still going to call this one a win. Just know that the Reese’s Puffs can be safely omitted unless you are a sick, sick sea snail like me and just need to cross it off your Chum Bucket list.

Ingredients

Scale up or down for your desired amount.

  • Dry Roasted Salted Peanuts 120g (substitute nut of choice if desired)
  • Reese’s Puffs 20g
  • Semisweet Chocolate 15g
  • Sugar (to taste, any sweetener or none at all will work)
  • Peanut Oil (can be omitted completely or used to achieve desired consistency)

Cereal Peanut Butter Reese's Puffs

Directions

  1. Throw the desired amount of peanuts in the food processor and turn that sucker on high for 60 seconds or so.
  2. Once you have the beginning of what appears to be butterfied peanuts, toss all of your desired mix-ins into the processor on high. I needed about 3 minutes total, but I like my peanut butter thick and gritty. Not unlike DC’s latest reboot starring Mr. Peanut, The Dark Nut Rises…
  3. Process until you are happy with the consistency, and if desired, you can add peanut oil to produce a smoother, creamier result. I added the cereal at the end and only pulsed it a few times as chunky isn’t just what my snarky scale calls me every morning. If you prefer a smoother and more dispersed flavor,  you’ll want to add yours earlier in the process.

Yes, I just left the same lame jokes. Eventually I’ll wear you down.

 

Cereal Killer

Cereal Killer: Breakfast of Chumpions

 

Is your fear as sugary sweet as your crimes against breakfast you cereal mascot sycophants?

You cram your bowls with sin morning, noon and night . Not content to shove your ravenous maws full with breakfast cereal for actual breakfast. You bathe your tongues in cereal detritus and sickeningly lick your fruit flavored rabbit excrement smudged faces. You lay with cartoon, beast and bird alike in your concave dairy bed bursting with cinnamon toasted pillows. Greedily slurping every drop of sugary secretions sunk to the bottom of your used vessel. Drowning in the sacramental moo juice of the animalistic idols that you bow and scrape before. Your life meaningless beyond your insatiable honey bee hunger. Your primal hedonism clawing at your every waking moment,.enslaving you to the pursuit of the detestable release of your first frosted fix. Every soggy bowl extends that tantalizing toucan high ever further beyond your eternally quaking grasp.

You sicken me. You disgustingly wretched, sickeningly sweetened corn and wheat mongers. Your dilated pupils and trembling hands shaking in anticipation for your next bowl, your next fix of anthropomorphized sugarcotics. A frog here, a leprechaun there. You go coocoo for your gggrrreeeaaaatttt new hot fudge sundae, real cookie dough, peanut butter blasted, butterscotch core, brownie puffs. I shall cram the artificially fruit flavored depravity of your labor down your throats until you choke on it. Rivers of milk will run red with #40 dye. Look at what your caligulan cereal cravings hath wrought and despair! Your demise made manifest by  that which you heathens love so much. Crushed under the weight of your ID made manifest. I am coming for you. The milky cold grip of justice will reach out from your cupboards and snap, crackle, and pop your necks when you least expect it. Damning you to an eternity spent in the great Boo Berry Beyond. Take solace in your bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs while you still can silly rabbit, for dual scoops of death are for YOU…

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Review: Quisp Cereal and Where to Buy

Quisp Cereal

 

Quisp Cereal Box Front
Where’s the mule that kicked him in the face?

 

For those not in the know, Quisp is the Rocky Horror Picture Show of the breakfast aisle. One of my personal favorite shows, the fantastic Cereal Time TV, provides a succinct but entertaining history in this Quisp (1965) video. It’s not just Gabe, the hero of cerOeal ) singing the praises of a real life cerealized take on evil Orville Redenbacher’s space corn though. I know that was awful, bbbuuuttt I’mmmmm leavingggggg it! Quisp is consistently topping cereal rankings such as mrbreakfast.com’s 100 All-Time Greatest Breakfast Cereals.

Once discontinued, Quisp has been resurrected as an internet cereal with an extremely limited and sporadic physical release in stores. Fortunately, this mythic ambrosia isn’t that hard to get your hands on anymore even if the price tag makes it feel like it’s imported from the Quisp homeworld.

I had to know what all the fuss was about, so I snapped my fingers and John De Lancie’d myself a box from Walmart.com. Was it the greatest thing since Drew Scanlon set the memeosphere ablaze?

Drew Scanlon Blinking
Yes and No

 

Quisp is a great cereal. In fact, Quisp’s taste would make it one of my favorite cereals. The problem is, it’s a cereal I’ve eaten and loved before… 

 

Not coincidentally, also from Quaker. Wait… was the Cap’n abducted by aliens?!

 

As you’re reading a review for a cult breakfast cereal from a guy that is so painfully unfunny it’s actually kinda funny (not really), I’ll spare you rambling detail because:

1. You’re familiar if not also a fan of Cap’n Crunch and                                                     

C. I feel sorry for you that you’re here doing this instead of doing something more productive like sweeping sunshine… on the interior of a Dyson Sphere.

Quisp Cereal Bowl
No milk, so my cereal stayed… quispy

Basically, buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn treasure chests are swapped for buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn saucers. They seem to be a bit less rough on the roof, but frankly, that’s never been a problem for me to begin with. Maybe I’m just channeling my inner Wario and fighting through the pain to get at the gold.

               I’ma gonna love gooooold!

 

Again, I’m not complaining about the taste of this cereal. It’s just not so boldly going where the good Cap’n has most certainly gone before, met a glib omnipotent alien, and adopted an orphan tribble… and named it Polly. That said, Quisp might have the greatest back of the box comic strip I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t include any nightmare fuel vistas of a snowman charnel house like Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms, but it does have enough bad puns to make me blush. 

 

Breakfast cereal formula anal probe abductions aside, not much more need be said.

This is good.

This is expensive.

This is Cap’n Crunch in a different form factor.

Quisp Cereal Back of Box
It even looks like a Borg Cube!

Taste: 8.5 intergalatic pirates out of 10… but basically just Cap’n Crunch and not worth Trump’s efforts to prop up domestically produced pirate booty via initiating a trade war by imposing Planet Q cereal tariffs. The box, however, is worth every… punny.

 

Box art: Punniest thing I’ve seen this side of Punnsylvania. “Dino Sore” is worth the price of admission alone. (more…)

Review: Kellogg’s Donut Shop Pink Donut Cereal

Kellogg's Donut Shop Pink Donut Box

Pink Donut is my new obsession

Pink, as a flava’s the question

Pink on tips of fingers you cover

Cause Pink is new from the cupboard

Pink as the ring of your pastry

But taste? Not so very

Pink it’s no flavor renascent

Cause it’s take is sugar refreshment

Pink it was love at first bite

Yeah, pink is more than alright

And pink, eat more I just might

But donut, it does not taste much like

Not even with my eyes closed tight

You could be my cereal bingo

‘Cause taste is like a treat from Nabisco

Pink like suga’ and waffa’

It’s distinct – and it’s spell I’m under

Pink it was love at first bite

Yeah, pink is more than alright

And pink, eat more I just might

But donut, it does not taste much like

Not even with my eyes closed tight

I want to be your devourer

I want to unwrap yo’ plastic

As pink as the milk that you lay in

Cause pink is my favorite remnant, yeah

Pink it was love at first bite

Yeah, pink is more than alright

Pink, a donut it’s not quite

But still, everything goes down just right

I will have another bowl tonight

Kellogg's Donut Shop Pink Donut Spoon


Chompee: Kellogg’s Donut Shop Pink Donut Cereal

Chompiness: 8 cereal addled Steven Tyler’s out of 10 (more…)