Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch – REVIEW

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch
Clearly I’ve been nice this year.

 

I missed Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch during it’s first magical run in 2014 and 2015. People’s reverence for it bordered on mason jar full of toenail clipping levels of creepiness. Now I have the chance to rectify this crime against my taste buds as It’s back for this holiday season! The box art appears to be the same, and it’s merilly magnificent. I’m a sucker for holiday packaging, and the adorable Crazy Squares decked out in santa hats and rocking stockings for pants are right up my alley. It almost makes me feel bad that I’m about to embark on a milky quest to purge this world of Crazy Square kind. Almost.

You see, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is amazing. Dry, it is every bit as good as it’s supporters purport. It puts all of the other bakery based treats like the good Capn’s or Kellogg’s takes that I’ve tried to shame. With General Mills jacking into my small and easily pliable mind (explaining why I’ve indulged my wife’s borderline crazy cat lady status) the only thing I can think of is a sugar cookie light on the sugar.

A less sugary, sugar cookie might sound like a faux pas, but it works very well in Toast Crunch form. Whereas the OG bah humbug Cinnamon Toast Crunch is drenched in hyper sweet deliciousness, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is a bit more restrained. It’s what I envision Santa’s milk mate of choice would taste like if last minute Nice List bribes were placed out the morning after I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Milk certainly changes the flavor, but I found I preferred it dry as leche leeches some of the magic and sweetness—at least in my nut based milk experiments. Meanwhile, it makes a fantastic greek yogurt mix-in, and a peanut buttered toast companion imparts a bit of a peanut butter cookie vibe. I guess 1+1 does equal 2. There’s that college degree paying off again

Take it from a man who crumbled Oreo’s into a bowl and doused them in milk before Oreo O’s rebirth, this is a more socially acceptable way to eat cookies for breakfast. In fact, I will share the uncomfortably warm take that Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is superior to Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Will you agree? Maybe, but it’s worth trying even if you give me the same incredulous look my wife did from beneath her purring blanket. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to look into vacuum sealing cereal in case it’s another few years before I see my beloved toast shaped cookies again.


 

The Chomp: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch

Chompiness: 9 bowls of Santa who looks kinda like the neighbor bribes out of 10

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Review: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Box Art
I don’t know if these will be any good, Lucky’s looking a little flaky…

I may not love snow in reality, but the fantastical flakes Lucky uses to season his bowl of magically delicious goodies are a welcome sugary snow storm. Limited Edition Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms are described as frosted cinnamon oat cereal with marshmallows. The marketing of this limited edition cereal is top notch as the winter wonderland depicted creates an inviting box. Kids gleefully play on snow covered hills beneath a rainbow bedecked sky while Lucky conducts a labor of love in producing snowman. All is not well in Luckyvale though as the man behind the curtain is revealed when taking a more than superficial look at this “wonderland”. We’ll revisit that in a moment, but how does the main dish fare?

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Box Art
So are snowflakes embryonic snow people?

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms is not wildly different from the tried and true original. The cinnamon is barely detectable despite top billing, but the vanilla is more potent and adds a warm tone to every bite that works to create an almost creamy quality with the top o’ the class marbits. Original Lucky Charms are definitely a classic, but the flavor is fairly straightforward with oats and marshmallow fueled sugar. The addition of the vanilla and, unfortunately only mild, cinnamon create a more complex and enjoyable overall flavor for my pot o’ gold. A little bit of a heavier hand with the cinnamon spice would have been nice, but at the end of the day if you put OG Lucky Charms and the new Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms in front of me, I’ll take the new holiday flavor 9 times out of 10. While perhaps not a revelatory experience, this holiday edition flavor is a welcome treat for the eyes and the mouth.

Now onto the clown in the sewer that is the nightmare fuel of this seemingly innocent box art. It appears safe enough at a glance. Lucky and some lucky kids are enjoying a day frolicking in the snow with a little leprechaun magic to bring their snow forged golems to life to play alongside them. What’s could be more wholesome?

Let’s take a look at the activities.

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Kids
Hell’s ski-lodge…

First up, match the scarves. Sure, color coordinating with your frozen flaked friend sounds like family friendly fun.

Alright, next Lucky tells us a “hilarious” joke?

“If snowmen can’t take baths how do they keep clean? Snow showers!”…

Better leave the jokes to the bloggers who professionally suck at them Lucky.

So far so good, what’s the last activity? Oh! Lucky wants you to help him find the pieces he needs to bring his final snowman to life.

Roger that. Let’s see, there are the 3 buttons… and there’s the four-leaf clover needed to work some holiday magic.

Just need to find the two ey… holy mother of monsters what is that little girl doing with those eyes?!

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Juggling Eyeballs
This is one Girl Scout who you do not want to stiff.

These aren’t the cute coal constructs of your standard snowman, “Lilith” as we’ll call her is juggling snowballs mixed with human eyeballs! Please return your seatbacks to their full upright and locked position.

Lucky the leprechaun has apparently been taking cues from his Warwick Davis counterpart while also enlisting the aid of the Children of The Corn. Examine the scene closer and the children are tormenting their supposed friends, playing keep away with their body parts or outright trying to murder them with a sled. All the while our Irish Jigsaw uses the viscera of his victims to work his dark magic and create snow fiends having apparently read Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons one to many times. There’s even a sick snowy rendition of the headless horseman!

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Snowman Headless Horseman
That snowman seems to be getting a head of the game.

What began as a scene of wonder and merriment has become a macabre Frankensteinien nightmare by using human body parts to provide the catalyst for some unholy leprechaun blood magic.

To what end?

A look at the bottom of the box reveals the horrific truth. Lucky is animating these snowmen from corpses and turning them into marbits. That’s right, Lucky Charms is people! Lucky the leprechaun has turned to blood magic and become the Walter White of the cereal aisle just to push a few more boxes of his “Rainbow Sky” Marshmeth.

Magically Delicious indeed.

 

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Snowman Sled
I’m going to guess that kid is not lining up for a Frosty the Snowman autograph.

 

 


 

Chompee: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Chompiness: 8.5 macabre Marshmeth Marbits out of 10

 

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