Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch REVIEW

 

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Front of Box
Which way to the insulin?

The Chomp:

Cap’n Crunch is running his new counter keto diet, Cap’ns’ Carbo Crunches, and saving a buck by modeling the promised cereal six pack himself on the cover of Limited Edition Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch. Keto might sound appealing to some, but 11 times out of 10, I’ll take the diet where I’m encouraged to eat food that’s 1/3rd sugar by weight.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Back of Box
I’m not sure that LaFoote should allowed within a thousand yards of a public beach…

Chomp / Marry / Kill?

Chomp. Beyond the good Cap’ns’ (where the hell do you put the possessive apostrophe?!) rock hard bod, there isn’t much to see here. It’s the same delicious, artificially colored booty one expects to find aboard the Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries S.S Guppy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The box art is fantastic as per the norm from Quaker’s cartoony cereal cupboard.  I always thought of the old sea dog as an elder statesmen, but the Cap’ns’ (damn you apostrophe!), fantastic flexing of his battleships has me hanging a “if this bowl’s a rock’in don’t come a knock’in” sign up. Other than making me salivate over my cereal, the special crunch berries aesthetics are the draw on this site seeing sailing spree. Unfortunately, this is where the ship begins to springs a few leaks. Supposedly, shapes of various beach/ocean themed symbols promise to turn your milk ocean blue. While they quickly alter the color with a swirl or two, it’s more of a sky blue to my eyes.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Milk
Looks like the Cap’n is Juicing.

I found Halloween Crunch’s ghostly green gimmick more evocative of the theme as you can tell by my spooky Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch Milkshake. More disappointing, the special shapes are not exactly as distinct as advertised. Less dolphins and star fish and more red blobs amorphous enough that one will probably be listed on eBay for $100 bucks because it looks like Jesus doing pilates.

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Shapes
Jesus doing downward dog

Chompclusion:

There’s nothing to complain about flavor wise as it’s the classic Crunch Berries I assume you know and love if you are reading this. If all you need is an excuse to pick up a box o’ Crunch, then this latest fad diet Beach Bash rendition is as good a reason as any. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when the ladies find you to be a bit more flab than fab. If however you are into the fun theme, you will probably be left a little adrift. There is no excuse for a cereal unique due to marketing to then have shapes that are either boring or more like an impressionist painting than anything I’ve ever seen on a beach. Come to think of it, some of them do kind of like like ears…

Beach Bash Cap'n Crunch Cereal Bowl
Look mom, I got a Cthulu!

The Chomp: Beach Bash Cap’n Crunch

Chompiness: 6.5 burly biceps out of 10

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Review: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Box Art
I don’t know if these will be any good, Lucky’s looking a little flaky…

I may not love snow in reality, but the fantastical flakes Lucky uses to season his bowl of magically delicious goodies are a welcome sugary snow storm. Limited Edition Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms are described as frosted cinnamon oat cereal with marshmallows. The marketing of this limited edition cereal is top notch as the winter wonderland depicted creates an inviting box. Kids gleefully play on snow covered hills beneath a rainbow bedecked sky while Lucky conducts a labor of love in producing snowman. All is not well in Luckyvale though as the man behind the curtain is revealed when taking a more than superficial look at this “wonderland”. We’ll revisit that in a moment, but how does the main dish fare?

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Box Art
So are snowflakes embryonic snow people?

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms is not wildly different from the tried and true original. The cinnamon is barely detectable despite top billing, but the vanilla is more potent and adds a warm tone to every bite that works to create an almost creamy quality with the top o’ the class marbits. Original Lucky Charms are definitely a classic, but the flavor is fairly straightforward with oats and marshmallow fueled sugar. The addition of the vanilla and, unfortunately only mild, cinnamon create a more complex and enjoyable overall flavor for my pot o’ gold. A little bit of a heavier hand with the cinnamon spice would have been nice, but at the end of the day if you put OG Lucky Charms and the new Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms in front of me, I’ll take the new holiday flavor 9 times out of 10. While perhaps not a revelatory experience, this holiday edition flavor is a welcome treat for the eyes and the mouth.

Now onto the clown in the sewer that is the nightmare fuel of this seemingly innocent box art. It appears safe enough at a glance. Lucky and some lucky kids are enjoying a day frolicking in the snow with a little leprechaun magic to bring their snow forged golems to life to play alongside them. What’s could be more wholesome?

Let’s take a look at the activities.

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Kids
Hell’s ski-lodge…

First up, match the scarves. Sure, color coordinating with your frozen flaked friend sounds like family friendly fun.

Alright, next Lucky tells us a “hilarious” joke?

“If snowmen can’t take baths how do they keep clean? Snow showers!”…

Better leave the jokes to the bloggers who professionally suck at them Lucky.

So far so good, what’s the last activity? Oh! Lucky wants you to help him find the pieces he needs to bring his final snowman to life.

Roger that. Let’s see, there are the 3 buttons… and there’s the four-leaf clover needed to work some holiday magic.

Just need to find the two ey… holy mother of monsters what is that little girl doing with those eyes?!

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Juggling Eyeballs
This is one Girl Scout who you do not want to stiff.

These aren’t the cute coal constructs of your standard snowman, “Lilith” as we’ll call her is juggling snowballs mixed with human eyeballs! Please return your seatbacks to their full upright and locked position.

Lucky the leprechaun has apparently been taking cues from his Warwick Davis counterpart while also enlisting the aid of the Children of The Corn. Examine the scene closer and the children are tormenting their supposed friends, playing keep away with their body parts or outright trying to murder them with a sled. All the while our Irish Jigsaw uses the viscera of his victims to work his dark magic and create snow fiends having apparently read Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons one to many times. There’s even a sick snowy rendition of the headless horseman!

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Snowman Headless Horseman
That snowman seems to be getting a head of the game.

What began as a scene of wonder and merriment has become a macabre Frankensteinien nightmare by using human body parts to provide the catalyst for some unholy leprechaun blood magic.

To what end?

A look at the bottom of the box reveals the horrific truth. Lucky is animating these snowmen from corpses and turning them into marbits. That’s right, Lucky Charms is people! Lucky the leprechaun has turned to blood magic and become the Walter White of the cereal aisle just to push a few more boxes of his “Rainbow Sky” Marshmeth.

Magically Delicious indeed.

 

Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Back of Box Art Girl Snowman Sled
I’m going to guess that kid is not lining up for a Frosty the Snowman autograph.

 

 


 

Chompee: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Chompiness: 8.5 macabre Marshmeth Marbits out of 10

 

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