Eyebook Paying Underage Hobbits to Install Spying App Calls Dark Lord Sauron’s Motives into Question.

Business

1/30/19 7:29pm

MORDOR—With recent shocking revelations that Eyebook is spying on it’s users, Middle-earther’s are beginning to question whether the Dark Lord Sauron has their best interests at heart. The latest scandal of the beleaguered platform asserts that Eyebook is giving away Lembas of the Month subscriptions to underage hobbits who agree to install an ‘Eyebook research VPN’ on their palantir.

This app allows the Eye of Sauron to focus on all users at once—capturing every action at all times. “Your data couldn’t be in safer hands” top executive Saruman the White says. “This isn’t the overreaching, omnipresent, total invasion of user privacy elven alarmists would have you believe. Tracking every movement, action, and even thought of users allows Eyebook to enhance their experience by serving more relevant ads” says Saruman. “This is a win/win situation.”

When asked about accusations of orcish advertising intended to influence the recent Gondorian succession, Saruman denied knowledge of any such activities.

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Former Home Improvement Television Show Star Refuses to do Housework. Demands Wife Pay to Build Fence in Backyard After Insomnia Fueled ‘The Apprentice’ Binge.

Entertainment

1/27/19 2:59pm

MICHIGAN—The former host of a Michigan based home improvement show is taking offense at the lack of a fence in his backyard. After a recent move has reportedly left him fenceless, he has been a changed man says an anonymous source. “He used the fence as a sort confessional booth with his neighbor obscured from view behind it acting as his on-demand priest.”

Friends and family say this has apparently lead to worsening mental health for the man who is now suffering from insomnia. “He just lays on the couch watching reruns of ‘The Apprentice’ at night. He walks around in a daze muttering about ‘making them pay for it’ as he stares out of his dining room into the backyard.” At times, he appears catatonic, according to some, capable of nothing beyond uttering unintelligible guttural noises. Others say that is normal behavior for him.

The man’s wife has stated he has refused to do the dishes or any other housework until she gives him the money to build what he calls his ‘great wall.’ “I’m not stopping him” she’s told friends. “He has access to the credit cards and can build it himself.” Reportedly, she views this as a “blessing in disguise” as she says everything he touches either explodes or catches on fire and then explodes.

Still, friends say his wife is very concerned. “He’s suffering from dissociative identity disorder” says one source. “He’s calling himself, William ‘The Wall Man’ Wallace. He walks up to people and asks them if they know what time it is before shouting ‘Wall Time’ and walking away. Every conversation with him is about how he’s ‘going to build a great, great wall’ and that ‘no one builds a wall with more power than him’.” The family has requested privacy while they help the man deal with this almost total shutdown.

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