Introducing Verizon’s New Defense Division: ‘Supporting Our Troops, Like We Do Our First Responders.’


2/7/19 8:27am

NEW YORK—Verizon’s CEO announced the acquisition of the only firearm and ammunition manufacturer in the United States today, Remington Arms. “At Verizon, we want to ensure we deliver the same fantastic service to the men and women defending our shores as we do our first responders like the Santa Clara County Fire Department. During the California wildfires, we saved lives by rapidly removing the data throttling we imposed as soon as they paid us double their original unlimited plans’ cost.”

“Our new defense division subscription model will offer a basic plan that provides unlimited ammunition to each and every soldier. In the unlikely event that a noble warrior goes over the unlimited cap of 100 rounds, we will continue supporting the warfighter with unlimited blanks. Should he or she require more live ammunition than is normally allowed per month, the hero’s of our nation can swipe their personal credit cards at any time and upgrade to the premium ‘Pay to Pop’ plan which provides additional live ammunition for a small $1 per round fee.”

“This new paradigm will enable the warfighter to heroically save as many lives as they can afford— just like Verizon.”

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