Review: Quisp Cereal and Where to Buy

Quisp Cereal

 

Quisp Cereal Box Front
Where’s the mule that kicked him in the face?

 

For those not in the know, Quisp is the Rocky Horror Picture Show of the breakfast aisle. One of my personal favorite shows, the fantastic Cereal Time TV, provides a succinct but entertaining history in this Quisp (1965) video. It’s not just Gabe, the hero of cerOeal ) singing the praises of a real life cerealized take on evil Orville Redenbacher’s space corn though. I know that was awful, bbbuuuttt I’mmmmm leavingggggg it! Quisp is consistently topping cereal rankings such as mrbreakfast.com’s 100 All-Time Greatest Breakfast Cereals.

Once discontinued, Quisp has been resurrected as an internet cereal with an extremely limited and sporadic physical release in stores. Fortunately, this mythic ambrosia isn’t that hard to get your hands on anymore even if the price tag makes it feel like it’s imported from the Quisp homeworld.

I had to know what all the fuss was about, so I snapped my fingers and John De Lancie’d myself a box from Walmart.com. Was it the greatest thing since Drew Scanlon set the memeosphere ablaze?

Drew Scanlon Blinking
Yes and No

 

Quisp is a great cereal. In fact, Quisp’s taste would make it one of my favorite cereals. The problem is, it’s a cereal I’ve eaten and loved before… 

 

Not coincidentally, also from Quaker. Wait… was the Cap’n abducted by aliens?!

 

As you’re reading a review for a cult breakfast cereal from a guy that is so painfully unfunny it’s actually kinda funny (not really), I’ll spare you rambling detail because:

1. You’re familiar if not also a fan of Cap’n Crunch and                                                     

C. I feel sorry for you that you’re here doing this instead of doing something more productive like sweeping sunshine… on the interior of a Dyson Sphere.

Quisp Cereal Bowl
No milk, so my cereal stayed… quispy

Basically, buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn treasure chests are swapped for buttery coconut oil flavored oat and corn saucers. They seem to be a bit less rough on the roof, but frankly, that’s never been a problem for me to begin with. Maybe I’m just channeling my inner Wario and fighting through the pain to get at the gold.

               I’ma gonna love gooooold!

 

Again, I’m not complaining about the taste of this cereal. It’s just not so boldly going where the good Cap’n has most certainly gone before, met a glib omnipotent alien, and adopted an orphan tribble… and named it Polly. That said, Quisp might have the greatest back of the box comic strip I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t include any nightmare fuel vistas of a snowman charnel house like Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms, but it does have enough bad puns to make me blush. 

 

Breakfast cereal formula anal probe abductions aside, not much more need be said.

This is good.

This is expensive.

This is Cap’n Crunch in a different form factor.

Quisp Cereal Back of Box
It even looks like a Borg Cube!

Taste: 8.5 intergalatic pirates out of 10… but basically just Cap’n Crunch and not worth Trump’s efforts to prop up domestically produced pirate booty via initiating a trade war by imposing Planet Q cereal tariffs. The box, however, is worth every… punny.

 

Box art: Punniest thing I’ve seen this side of Punnsylvania. “Dino Sore” is worth the price of admission alone. (more…)

Quick Review: Dairy Queen Summer Berry Cheesecake Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Summer Berry Cheesecake Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Summer Berry Cheesecake Blizzard Treat
Berry nice.

I’m just an NPC in The Simulation trying to get Ed Sheeran’s cheesecake. That will make more sense if you read my review of the Summery Berry Cheesecake Blizzard over at The Impulsive Buy. One of the two new blizzards on DQ’s summer menu, this one doesn’t live up to it’s billing like the Titanosaurically flavor packed Jurassic Chomp , or even the mildly disappointing Peanut Butter Flavor of the Month. Still, if I get to keep eating the cheesecake part of this dessert, count me in Ed.

Assassin’s Crossing: Isulation – Welcome to the Godswood

Sitrep II: Welcome to the Godswood

Assassin's Creed Isulation Animal Crossing
The name’s Wuhn, Aevrie Wuhn.

Hopefully you got my last message. If not, try looking here. Time’s short, so let’s get on with this. Access to the village is restricted to rail as far as I can tell. Security aboard the sole train is limited to an operative posing as a feline vagrant calling himself  “Rover.”

How droll.

He seems to ply travelers for personal details that he presumably passes along for tracking of potential troublemakers or perhaps new recruits. Initially, I thought the cat costume was a way to disarm people via its absurdity. I’m not so sure now.

The first signs of physical security are evident on arrival when you are greeted by “Porter.” Who ever hands out code names has the creativity and sense of humor of my grandmother. Maybe go with something a little cleverer and call your bitchy garbage man Oscar or your pimply burger flipper Mr. Rhombus Pants at the local Jackalope in the Box. Come to think of it, a talking sea sponge wouldn’t be the craziest thing in this binned Twilight Zone episode.

Porter does not have any visible armaments, but he is clearly muscle. If they are trying to hide his weapons, they must either want to lure travelers in or keep up pretenses with the villagers. Tell someone a lie enough times and they will begin to believe it I suppose. This is when I went from thinking train car Jar Jar was a ploy, to not being sure what the hell is going on.

I tried to play off my shock at this guard monkey with a quick joke. In hindsight, “Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” may not have been the best icebreaker. His dead eyed stare was unnerving, but he didn’t let on if he knew what I was about. Fortunately, everyone here seems to speak English like every crappy scifi show— unless communication issues are a plot point of course.

Assassin's Creed Isulation Animal Crossing
Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Regardless, I made it past the entrance without raising any suspicions as far as I could tell and was directed to the town hall.

Alright, I’ve got to cut this off. I hope someone is reading this…

If you’re finding this for the first time, try looking here for the full report. The fate of the world depends on it. No pressure.

(more…)

Quick Review: Dairy Queen Jurassic Chomp Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Jurassic Chomp Blizzard Treat

Dairy Queen Jurassic Chomp Blizzard
Peanut butter will find a way.

I’m not sure why dinosaurs are so cranky, but every movie shows them wracking up pinball-esque amounts of economic damage and munching on vacuous tourist-mcnuggets.  It just doesn’t make any sense as Dairy Queen seems to think that dinos are inextricably linked to peanut butter and chocolate. With 2015’s Jurassic Smash featuring peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip cookie dough and choco chunks, and the new Jurassic Chomp mixing buckeye’s and fudge topping, there’s no excuse to be so pissed off. Maybe their local DQ was out of buckeye’s and they were stuck eating the sub-par Summer Berry Cheesecake sibling to this Summer Menu Blizzard or the Peanut Butter Cookie Dough April Flavor of the Month.

I know no matter what idiotic thing has come out of my mouth chocolate, especially combined with peanut butter, will soothe my raging T. rex of a wife.  And if you can’t trust Dairy Queen for accurate paleontological trivia, who can you trust? Find my review of the smashing Jurassic Chomp over at The Impulsive Buy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to grab some chocolate covered peanuts on the way home…

Quick Review: Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard

Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard
Dairy Queen Peanut Butter TOPPING and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard

Releasing alongside two new Summer Blizzard flavors Jurassic Chomp and Summer Berry Cheesecake, Dairy Queen has thrown down the gauntlet and issued a bad pun challenge. Their website attempts to force your eyeballs to roll right out of your head by informing you that you have “dough-cisions, dough-cisions” to make. Supposedly, it’s hard to choose between the new Peanut Butter Cookie Dough and the classic Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzards.

To them I say, dough you know who you are messing with? If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s being bad at everything I do. Head shaking hubristic fail aside, it is not, in fact, an over-kneaded dough-cision to make. If you are a fan of DQ’s traditional cookie dough then you probably doughn’t want this new one, and if peanut butter is your jam, you won’t be left dough-eyed either. Take that DQ! Find my full review, and more stupid!, over at The Impulsive Buy (more…)