People are far too judgmental. Should a person be ostracized for eccentric tastes? Should a man or woman be shunned by society and forced to live a solitary existence because they happen to own an angry inflatable love doll that looks like Spock? I say no! I say a Klingon Bat’leth shaped dildo is a sign of a playful and adventurous soul. Forgetting said article of nerdy love fun in one’s carryon luggage should not result in being added to the No Fly List! Happened to a friend… If you’d like to learn more about why said friend might need the aid of a Love Potion, find my review of Baskin-Robbins Love Potion #31 at The Impulsive Buy. It’s magic may be limited to the realm of taste (of which I could clearly use some help), but that’s good enough for me.
So 2 fortnights later (is that a castlenight?) and with a fat little winged kid cosplaying a magical Katniss upon us, how does the Tulo mattress fair? I’m pleased to report that I’m a happy… not a camper? Maybe an indoor, sleep on a bedder? Let’s go with that and move along shall we.
Point is, I have no complaints thus far. I can’t comment on longevity at this point of course, but my experience thus far is nothing but Tulific. The mattress itself seemingly has a little more “give” where I sleep, and it is firm without placing pressure on any one point. That is key, because my Planet Coaster suited complaint with my old mattress was the pain in my back and shoulders oft experienced in the morning.
After only a dull ache the first couple of nights on the Tulo mattress (my body slowly recovering from the torture I was inflicting on it) I have noticed no discomfort or pain, and I am sleeping better than Mario after force feeding Wart a salad. On the occasions where I have awoken at night, I am able to quickly rejoin my heavenly slumber of Kripsy Kreme foliage lining roads paved with Kit Kat bricks (don’t judge me, it’s my dream, and I’ll be as fat as I want too).
That said, while the softest mattress was the right choice for me—ymmv. Along with the obnoxious, bone chilling cold that comes with a low body fat, I also don’t need much support from my mattress. Take my opinion with a Death Star trash compactor full of salt. If you are normal person who does 0o’t track their macros with the same obsession that Mr. Krabbs’ reviews his 401K, you may have a different experience with how sink-in-toage.
While I don’t have much to draw from for comparisons sake, I’m pleased with my purchase— especially considering the low price point. I can’t compare it to other memory foam products, but the Tulo is doing the trick for me without a hefty price tag. Now if you’ll excuse me, those Original Glazed daisies won’t eat themselves.
Original Post Below:
When I envisioned this site, I did not expect to ever write a Tulo mattress review (for which I was not paid or compensated in any way). But in the end, I’m really just here to make very punny (wink, wink) jokes.
Stupid first is my motto! Wait…
Soooo, back to the topic at teeth (or would it be chain? Candivorous Rex doesn’t have hands after all), there is not a lot of information on the relatively new Tulo mattress, but what is available is intriguing — An affordable bed in a box with firmness options that one can physically try in stores.
I hesitated to grab a bed in the box in the past despite the appealing alliteration because I couldn’t put one through its paces before committing. Despite being reluctant to set Kuribo’s Shoe in a mattress store, the little Sith and I made some extra time before her third viewing of The Last Jedi to check it out.
So, I was off to Mattress Firm to see if I liked it when counting make believe Mario’s– or maybe just those adorable sombrero sporting sheep in Odyssey. The salesman who was also the manager did his best Peanut’s adult impersonation with his spiel, but overall, he was helpful and not annoying. I considered grabbing the bed from the store, but it was not in stock and they wanted to charge for delivery. Combined with a coupon code for a free frame from Tulo which Mattress Firm did not offer– online ordering was the way to go. A comfy cloud loving lakitu at heart, I warp whistled my way to a soft full-size mattress that I received yesterday.
The free Tulo Mattress Base that I was promised was back ordered, but they made good with a frame and box spring so it was all marvelous in the Mushroom Kingdom. Communication with regards to delivery was excellent and they kept me abreast of updates along with a two-hour window for delivery– including notification it would arrive a little ahead of schedule.
Often the general public likes to feign ignorance at how awestruck they are by my mere presence, but that has apparently changed my friends. Everyone reading this already knows of course, but…
You see, the delivery people literally rolled out a red carpet for me at my own home. The world is finally ready for me to claim the Plastic Throne. The seat of power for my benevolent dictatorship, forged from molten light gun zappers that slew a thousand digital ducks and N64 analog sticks that flayed flesh and blood palms (seriously, the palm of my hand still looks like I need a skin graft twenty years later– thanks Mario Party!).
Either that, or the whole carpet thing is a marketing gimmick to get people to Twit about it on Instabook, but I’m going to apply Occam’s razor and go with the former.
A simple matter of removing it from the box, cutting a bit of plastic and unrolling, setup was quicker than the Kessel Run, taking about 10 minutes. The Tulo mattress immediately began to inflate, and I was pleased no off gassing that would put Wario’s odiferousness to shame was present– even for my wife’s Super Sniffer.
There were no directions for how long to wait before using the mattress, but I left it alone for about 7 hours before bed. I was prompted to look into a mattress in the first place due to back and shoulder pain in the mornings along with general unrest at night, all of which had been occurring more and more frequently. It may take some time for the foam to form to my fit form, but anecdotally, I feel like I slept better despite waking a few times. The Tulo isn’t expected to be a cure all for my sleep issues, but my first night was better than what came before at least.
As Tulo indicates a break-in period may be necessary, I have 120 days to have them collect the mattress and receive a full refund. I intend to update this post as time goes by to share what I think, so if you are in the market or just want to see some more of my special brand of stupid, stay tuned.
Oh, and regardless of what I think in the end, the best Mario character ever seems to enjoy the new mattress…
Baskin-Robbins appears to have a problem with mondegreens. Either Bob Baskin or Robby Robbins conflated Italian love with Itlian pastry when they saw a moon made of pizza. Maybe they aren’t the only ones… I bet the ninja turtles got my back on this one, so who cares, right? I can’t see another reason that Baskin-Robbins Cannoli be With You Ice Cream is the Febrary Flavor of the Month. Cannoli doesn’t exactly scream “I Love you.” I mean, sure, I’m a fat Sicilian at heart so Cannoli is one of the fastest ways into my bed, but I’m not so sure that applies to others as readily. Find my TMNT approved review over at The Impulisve Buy.
February being known for Valentine’s Day and the Super Bowl, I’m glad DQ took the former for inspiration for this month’s treat. I can’t even begin to imagine the horrors of a TB12 approved Blizzard. Avacado Avalanche? Kale and the Black Bean Stalk? You may be QB1 on my fantasy team sir, but you will be my Blizzardista over my artery clogged corpse. Dairy Queen Dipped Strawberry with Ghirardelli Blizzard places a safer bet by upgrading their older Choco Covered Strawberry Blizzard with Ghiradelli chocolate. Wise and tasty move DQ. You can find my review over at The Impulsive Buy.
Now Gronk, I bet he would know how to make a Blizzard. Kahlua, Bailey’s, Creme de Cacao ice creams filled white fudge covered brownies. Gronk if you’re horny people.
New Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreos and Chocolate Hazelnut Oreos. Wow, was I underwhelmed.
Suprisingly, the red-hot in all but name was the better of the two, tasting exactly as I imagined it would. A sweet red hot creme between two chocolate Oreos. Not my speed, but I can see where others would enjoy it.
The chocolate hazelnut is also as described, if you like your Nutella to taste as artificial as Trump’s hair. Nothing worked for me here, not the filling nor the choice of golden Oreo wafer to pair with it.
Chompee: Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreo / Chocolate Hazelnut Oreo Chompiness: While the red hots are ok, I’ll take a regular Oreo over them every time. The chocolate hazelnut on the other hand tastes like Nabisco tried to make a Nutella Oreo but sourced the creme from a flea market in Tijuana with jars of “Fautlla” that were tucked between “Folex’s” and “Foakley’s.” In the end, I will build a great, great wall between my mouth and these Oreos and Nabisco will pay for it.
Normally when it’s so cold the snowmen in my yard have committed suicide by bonfire to stay warm, I’m not in the mood for ice cream. But Despite the Killer Snow Goonesque horror show that looks like a bad CW pilot for CSI: North Pole, I was excited to learn of Baskin-Robbins Bobsled Brownie Ice Cream. Blonde brownie pieces and a fudge crackle ribbon mixed with milk-chocolate-mousse and butter-caramel-flavored ice cream is the temptation of the month for January. Read my full review over at The Impulsive Buy.
From his first squashed goomba in the 1980’s, Mario has possessed the hearts and controller clutching hands of adults and children alike. No longer content with mere metaphorical control of his adoring public, Mario’s latest adventure in Odyssey finds his iconic red hat infused with an ethereal being named Cappy. This friendly fedora enables Mario to plant his mustache on both sentient creatures and inanimate objects which he then directly controls. Apparently, plumbing the dark recesses of his greatest foe’s mind sent him spiraling deep into the abyss he has for so long gazed into. For now, after assuming dominion over Odyssey’s kingdoms with his new found power, our pasta munching Napoleon has turned Cappy’s ghostly gaze to our world. Through dark, pointed hatted kamek magic, Mario has plastered his merry mug on Kellogg’s Super Mario Cereal boxes across the nation.
Not only does Mario attempt to enrapture you with his baby blues’ best come hither, the cereal box itself is an amiibo complete with Nintendo’s aneurysm inducing policy of making them as difficult as possible to find. Never one to be thwarted, Mario managed to take control of my wallet when I tracked his latest foray into cereal down at my local Walmart. Quickly stuffing his cardboard canvas under my winter coat, I made like a nabbit for the checkout line. Arriving home a few hours later after an unforeseeable delay involving a nonplussed loss prevention specialist and a tazer, I cracked open the box and poured a handful of the Mushroom Kingdom medley into my still tingling hands.
Super Mario Cereal’s star shaped oat pieces and mushroom, hat, and coin block marshmallow pieces spilled through my eager hands like gold coins into Wario’s grubby mitts. Unfortunately, echoes of him sneering “loser” rang through my head as I sampled my treasured cereal booty. While Mario chose Lucky to wear his machiavellian mustache and create his breakfast treat, possession drained all of the magical deliciousness from this pale imitation. When isolated and eaten dry, there is a heavy oat flavor with little sweetness in tow from the star pieces.
Things don’t improve with the colorful if misshapen marshmallows. Mario maniacs will be able to discern their pixelated namesakes, but blowing through his nest after early retirement has forced him to outsource mallow manufacturing to the low wage Atari 2600 Kingdom to save a few gold coins. They share an equally unsatisfying texture that dissolves in your mouth like Mario on the wrong end of a podoboo and taste of a generic, sugary “fruit” flavor you know and don’t love. Even when combined, the cereal offers the dry snacking appeal of revisting Mario’s vacation on Isle Delfino.
When submerged in your milk of choice, Super Mario Cereal doesn’t improve and becomes blander as the somnolent fruit flavor packs the punch of Baby Luigi. Perhaps Mario should have spent a bit more time in the Luncheon Kingdom as even a starving Yoshi wouldn’t be excited to swallow a bowl of these Not-So-Lucky Charms.
As for the Amiibo functionality of the box itself, it provides no unique Odyssey benefit. It will either reveal a moon location with Uncle Amiibo or coins when used normally. The scanner is located on the back of the box where you’ll find cute, albeit prosaic, art beside a maze and a trivia game that both prove facile for even goombas like me.
Given the underwhelming taste of this cereal, there is only one sane conclusion to draw. Mario has devised an amiibotized cereal botnet (that I’ve not so cleverly coined “boxnet”) as a Trojan Yoshi that will allow him to capture vast swaths of the world at once when Mushroom Kingdom Order 66 is given. If you relish the idea of a life of toil in Mario Party themed labor camps, this is worth picking up for the novelty of the box alone. For those in search of a fruity breakfast sans dystopian future, keep your wallet far away from Cappy when venturing into the Cereal Aisle Kingdom.
I leave you with this not so lovely piece of food “art” that is more ztar than star and illustrates why words are my paint brush of choice…
Chompee: Kellogg’s Super Mario Cereal
Chompiness: 5 hungry yoshis out of 10 for the uninspired and hohum flavor. 9 boxnet zombie cereal boxes out of 10 for making my inner child happy
To gingerbread kind, I am known as The Divine Devourer. A capricious, all powerful being who gives
them form, shelter, and life itself merely so that I can enjoy looking upon my creation before
smiting them. Their stale, broken and desiccated bodies discarded like so much refuse if they somehow manage to
escape the jaws of their sugar seeking creator for more than a few days. Lindt has taken pity upon these poor unfortunate souls and released Lindt LINDOR Gingerbread Truffles. Find out if I have fallen from the Ginger Pantheon in my review over at The Impulisve Buy.
York Peppermint Pattie fans unite and fight back against Santa’s shadowy puppet masters! Too long has the holiday peppermint conversation been dominated by a weirdly shaped hard candy. Read more about the dark forces driving this grave injustice in my review of Baskin-Robbins York Peppermint Pattie Ice Cream over at The Impulsive Buy.